*I recognize that this blog post is written from a heteronormative lens. Please do not let that dampen its influence. Apply this challenge in whatever capacity best fits your lifestyle. Dance on, divas.*
I can hear your mind screaming from here. You’re saying, “woah, this girl is wack.” Hear me out… it’s not what you may be thinking.
Here is my logic: we often equate being unavailable with being in a committed relationship. If you’re uninterested, that is enough to make you unavailable.
I’ve been 21 for a few months, and so bars are a thing I do now. I could write a novel – no, a series – on the strange interactions that happen at bars. Here’s my Sparknotes version:
*Very important disclaimer: this does not encompass all experiences, all men, all interactions.*
- Some guys often think that if they stand behind you, you’ll back it up
- Some guys often think that buying you a drink is a token for something
- Some guys often think that the first question they should ask is “do you have a boyfriend?”
I keep getting into the same conversation, over and over – “What’s your name? Do you have a boyfriend?”
First of all – big old skrrrrrt here; not a great conversation starter. More importantly, at what point did the world decide that in order to be interested, or “available,” a girl has to be single?
If this is a mindset we hold, then let’s read between the lines. Saying that your availability is dependent on your relationship status is like saying that you are defined by the presence or absence of a significant other. I don’t hate too many things in this beautiful earth, but damn do I hate that phrase “my other half.” You are whole, honey. Peanut butter is still peanut butter without jelly, cookies are still cookies without cream, a hot dog is still a hot dog without mustard. Whatever way you want to think about it, do. Or here’s something to think about – when a man and woman marry, it is the norm for the woman to not only change her last name, but also to change “miss” or “Ms.” to “Mrs.”
WHAT KIND OF OWNERSHIP ARE WE ABLE TO HAVE OVER OUR OWN BEINGS? I will tell you now – we can have all of the ownership… But let’s start small, ladies. Take it, and don’t allow your worth or value to be dealt to you. Snatch it up.
Here’s my challenge for you: don’t tell the guy that you have a boyfriend, even if you do. Why? It’s a chance to educate. Let’s look at a different way that conversation could have gone:
“Hey, what’s your name?”
“Nate. Do you want to dance?”
“Oh, no thank you.”
“Ah, you must have a boyfriend, I’m really sorry.”
“No, no – I don’t! No apology needed. I just don’t want to dance. No need to ask if I have a boyfriend! If I’m down to dance, I’ll dance. It doesn’t depend on my relationship status.”
Don’t be rude, don’t be snappy, and say it with a smile.
There’s nothing better than being a rad feminist with a kickass smile.
4 thoughts on “Ladies… don’t tell him you have a boyfriend.”
Yes, yes, yes, THANK YOU! I’ve been trying to get the same sentiment out there to friends for years! It’s astounding that so many hetero men have come to expect an excuse to respect a “no”, and that others will only halt their advances if there’s another man in the picture.
Heck yeah! A “no” should never require an explanation. Asking if someone has a boyfriend is not a litmus test for being interested… Thanks for reading. 🙂
I love the flavor of this article! I am a little confused by the last sentiment “Say it with a smile…” — Can you elaborate on this more? Why should a gal have to smile when declining someone’s advances?
I’m all for the mindset of “kill ’em with kindness,” and think it brings confidence to your voice!