Trusting in the Unknown

I’m a second semester senior.

I’m a second semester senior who doesn’t understand how she can get a job that “requires” 5+ years of experience when she knows she could do it right now.

I’m a second semester senior that realizes internships are great, but internships don’t pay the bills because internships are unpaid (unless you’re one of those very few who snag a paid one).

I’m a second semester senior that is in a waiting game to hear back from the one grad school she applied for to determine her next life step.

I’m a second semester senior that realized she’s probably graduating with the wrong major.

Time is happening, however, and no matter how much I try, I can’t stop it.  What has happened and the choices I have made are done.  I just have to work with what I got and make something out of that. For me, that makes me anxious and overwhelmed.

The future has always been something I struggle to find peace in. My trust has been broken in looking towards the future. When I was little I remember thinking about the future, thinking my parents will always be together and love each other. But then I turned six, they divorced and later, found out it was due to infidelity.  Then always thinking I’d live with my mom, but mental illness is a mean thing and forced me to switch custody and live my father. Then having to witness my mother go through multiple jobs, living arrangements, and many statements of “everything is going to be different this time around.” Personally, the future has held denials to callbacks or interviews, it is held unhealthy relationships with men, and brokenness. So, the future and I have major trust issues.

However, it isn’t always the case. I cannot only focus on the negative, hard moments in my past. I have to strive on the good, empowering moments where the future has shown me it ain’t so bad.  I came to college and was given a supportive, empowering, and loving community of friends.  I was taught how to love myself and be confident in my past scars. I found my passion for vulnerable populations in our society.  The future gave me an incredible summer job last year working with at-risk youth.  The future gave me an incredible internship for this semester working at a domestic violence and sexual assault center. The future has been good to me, I just forget about those moments when everything else seems to be working against me.

This is a personal post. Vulnerability is something people are terrified of.  We don’t want to show our struggles, weaknesses, and scars from times we’ve been hurt. However, I believe it is necessary to meet each other in our messes and lift each other up in those hard times.

For all my second semester seniors (and really anyone else who the future terrifies), just remember we’re all in the same boat. We’re all trying to make it after college, it won’t be perfect, but the future isn’t a terrible thing. It may come across as something to make your life a living hell, but really, it just wants to grow you and move you forward. And growth isn’t usually always a fun thing. My challenge to you is to take each day as it comes. Put those applications out there and try your best. Don’t try and hold your entire future well-being in your hands, you can’t hold all of that right now. Let’s just realize we all don’t really know what the hell going on in life and there’s a sort of beauty in that.

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