Screaming. I am screaming. But I don’t think anyone can hear me, even though my shrieks have made my vocal chords bleed. I am so tired of not being heard. I am so tired of bleeding. I can’t seem to shake this feeling though, of being silenced, by whom I’m not sure, but some oppressive force. The oppressive force could be myself, in reality. I hold myself to impossible standards, knowing I won’t reach them, so I can further sink into the familiar bath of self hatred. As much as it hinders my life, I love living in this pool of self hate, because even if it hurts me, it’s safe. I’m safe from the vulnerability of other’s expectations, because they will begin to no longer see any hope in me, and I’ll no longer have to feel the weight of letting them down.
No one is perfect, sure, but I am so far off it’s almost comical, in a really fucked up way. I had the perfect launching pad: two parents who stuck together, financially stable upbringing, grew up in an affluent neighborhood, went to schools that offered a great education, and yet I still have to take a mood stabilizer and stimulant just to get through the day semi-okay. If I could rid myself of this illness I would without a second thought. I know that on social media it’s become some sort of trend to be depressed, and I can’t really blame the young kids who do it, based on all the romanticization that goes on with mental illnesses, but I truly wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Never feeling rested, not showering for days on end, pushing off every task and responsibility, eating sparingly and poorly, isolating from friends and family, and how daunting it feels just to do things like washing your face and brushing your teeth; these are all things that depression has put me, and many others, through. It’s not something that makes you mysterious and edgy. Depression is an illness that destroys you from the inside out, until you are looking at what’s left of your life, and you realize how far you’ve been set back. It is an illness that will make you so numb and hopeless, that you forget what it ever felt like to be happy and smile because you genuinely felt content in life.
Depression, despite being more common than not, makes you feel as if you are the only one who has ever suffered in such a way. It is an illness that feeds off of you feeling scared and alone. I don’t want to feel alone with my depression anymore, and if you came across this post and can relate, I hope you also feel a little less alone. I want you to know that; you are not gross or wrong for struggling with your hygiene while you are going through a depressive cycle, you are not an awful human for isolating yourself from others when you are struggling, and just because you are struggling right now, it doesn’t mean that you are weak. In reality, you are actually quite strong. Remember, we all deserve a little grace, especially from ourselves.