Use your head.

I’m not going to lie to you guys. As a woman, I love receiving head. Or oral sex, if you want to get scientific. It is amazing… when done right. However, I actually did not know what it truly was until I was about seventeen or eighteen. Oh sure, I knew what oral sex for men was when I was about ten. But oral sex for women? Almost unheard of. I was recently talking to my roommates about this same topic and it got me thinking; why is there a stigma around oral sex or ‘head’ for women?

I have a distinct memory from last year surrounding this issue. I was getting dinner with my two male friends when the topic of oral sex came up. I remember how one of my male friends said verbatim, “She has to give me head the first time… but I normally wait until about the fourth or fifth time to give her head. She has to prove herself.” Followed by my other male friend agreeing. I was dumbfounded. The girl has to prove herself to get the same basic pleasure the guy is getting the first time? In what world does that logic make sense? I think the stigma created around oral sex for women goes years and years to sex being mainly pleasure focused on men. Sex is used more commonly as a vessel for men to ‘get off’ instead of it being an involved thoughtful experience where each person’s wants and needs are listened to. I believe that this mindset surrounding sex has carried into the mindset surrounding oral sex. More specifically oral sex within heterosexual relationships; I have only seen this stigma present in heterosexual or heteronormative relationships. Men are more focused on their pleasure and what they can get out of the experience over the women. The stigma of oral sex only allows males to feel obligated to receive the act, as it shames females for wanting it in return.

Not only is it super frustrating, but it also reinforces societal and cultural roles of women being seen as ‘less’ than men. Whether it is in the office, the classroom, or the bedroom, women are kicked to the side. Going off of that, it also further reinforces power differentials in today’s society, along with those heteronormative relationships. Men feel as if they are entitled to receiving all the pleasure and not only do they feel entitled to receiving pleasure, they feel entitled to the woman, as she needs to do whatever he wants in the bedroom. I think the last thing, and maybe the most prominent as to why there’s a stigma surrounding men giving women head, is the media. The media has set women up to believe that unless their vaginas look pretty and pink with no hair and no bumps or razor burns or cuts, it’s ugly and no one should see it. I’m at fault for that mindset. For the longest time, I thought because mine was not pretty in society’s eyes, no man would think it was pretty as well. Granted I don’t have that mindset anymore, but it is something that affects so many women still. Men play into this as well as they also have the same mindset; if it looks like “Arby’s” it’s ugly and they won’t go down on you. Society’s views on oral sex and women’s genitalia affect everyone; men and women.

As I draw near the end of my blog post, I would like to preface that there are men and partners out there who do enjoy participating in oral sex and they are not included in this. My blog post was to highlight why some men in heterosexual relationships might not and start a discussion.