A Quick Check-In With Myself

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I just want to start off this post with apologizing for my delayed posting time and how this entire blog will mostly involve long, open-ended rants by yours truly. This week has been one of the more emotionally-draining times during this (what seems like) never-ending quarantine for me. Not trying to sound overly bleak, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t spend the majority of this week crying and wallowing in my own self-pity, while old reruns of New Girl filled my every waking moment. Is it just me or does anyone else feel like as soon as COVID-19 took over, the rest of your life slowly crumbled right beneath your feet? I’m still trying to remain positive during this time of uncertainty and find the “silver-linings” of each moment I am granted, but shits hard. I feel like I am constantly going back and forth between the battles going on in my physical life, as well as those persisting through my mental state. People and events that got me through each day and made me look forward to the future are no longer of use and I feel resentment towards my past-self for not enjoying life more when I “legally” could. I also find myself in the constant state of feeling “cheated” out of my everyday life, while simultaneously being guilt-ridden, as I know people all around the world are facing much more detrimental hardships and health complications than I personally am.

For those of you who know me personally or have just been an avid reader of my past blog posts, you know I am currently involved in a long distance relationship with a guy from Australia and have been for about five months now. For those who have no idea what I’m talking about, the sparks-note version of my love story is this past fall semester I studied abroad in London and met this guy out on the town one night and the rest is history blah blah blah. So basically these past two weeks have been absolute heartbreaking for me, as my boyfriend had planned to come visit me here in America and I would get to show him all around this lovely nation we call home. This is a trip we had been planning ever since the day I left London and we knew everything about it would work out perfectly. The three weeks his university let him off for holiday, just happen to fall perfectly in between when I had my sorority’s spring formal and when all of my family could get together to meet him for the first time. Just saying this out loud makes me feel so ungrateful for the fact that I am at least healthy and able to still spend time with my immediate family, but it still hurts my heart like no other. Due to the obvious travel bans, my boyfriend is no longer able to visit, which has just lead to many current hardships. For the past five months, we had something to look forward to and when things got hard, which is pretty often in long distance relationships, we knew we had something to hold onto to get us through. Now it just all seems extra confusing and our communication skills are slowly diminishing, along with our hope of seeing each other again soon.

This time has also forced me to reflect on my relationships with those who are graduating seniors here at JMU. Though I am currently in my junior year, there is a solid group of seniors who I deem as some of my best friends. Many of them have stuck by my side during all of our years together here and it hurts knowing I said my last “goodbyes” to a good handful of them without proper preparation.

I know this post wasn’t my usual cheerful self, but I just want to be as raw and vulnerable with ya’ll as I can. Life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies and that’s completely normal and okay!! I know this time is confusing and we are all handling it day by day, but just know you are not alone in this. Everything you are feeling- or not feeling right now is completely valid and acceptable. Though this week has been extra difficult for me, I know it will not last. Just a bad week, not a bad life!

XOXO,

@bitchinbutterfly