There’s been so. So many people who expect apologies from me. Who ask apologies for me. Mostly for existing.
“I’m sorry for being diabetic.”
“I’m sorry my pronouns are hard.”
“I’m sorry for being queer.”
I want to stop apologizing. I want to start forgiving.
“I forgive you for your lack of knowledge.”
“I forgive you for misgendering me, but I am a person. I deserve to be treated as such.”
“I forgive you for your lack of understanding.”
But forgiveness invites manipulation. It can invite people to keep doing these actions despite my lack of consent. Despite my obvious displeasure.
Who am I even apologizing to? Who am I even granting forgiveness to?
I am so tired for wasting my time and my energy on being sorry or giving forgiveness or even trying to figure out how to fix it. I can’t fix every mistake other people make.
I am not responsible for conjuring forgiveness for the abled, the straight, the cis, the people who make me feel bad by being myself. I am not responsible for managing pain that is inflected by others. I am only responsible for my response.
I’m not sorry that I am tired.
I’m not sorry that I am not sorry.
I’m not sorry for this post.