Hey! Are you sure of your political views, but have been told you’re wrong? Are you tired of being told that you’re problematic? Have you been personally victimized for voicing your views in public because they actively harm other individuals? Are you “fiscally conservative” and “just really unsure why everything is so political nowadays?”
Then I have a post just for you!
Don’t worry. You, along with a ton of others are just dying to have answers.
1. Only cite one news source.
Okay okay, I know. Fox news is honestly the BEST source for your information. And, even though we have access to thousands of sources, scholarly articles, and google (which is free), it’s easy! If you really want to cancel yourself, stick STRAIGHT to Fox news and nothing else. Even if people cite valid information, facts, and research, IGNORE THEM! Fox news said it be so, so it is so!
2. Deny, deny, deny.
This goes off of #1 but, always deny! Even if the other person is right. Never back down! Other perspectives don’t matter. All this new age terminology is all crap.
Deny gender as fluid, deny the existence of gender vs. sex as different (they’re OBVIOUSLY the same),
Deny Climate Change (even though “scientists” who have “studied this for years, have phDs, and have been conducting this research for years, and all of them agree it as real) as a plot started by the Chinese! We MUST PROTECT COAL AND AMERICA’S TRUE VALUES!
Deny the systematic oppression of all genders, minorities, non-catholic and christian religions, and all corporate practices that are destroying the planet. That car was only going 25mph.
3. Support Trump.
You’ve probably already learned number 2 because of this one! Make America Great Again! Embrace the fact America has a past that’s built on the backs of minorities and essentially by saying MAGA, you’re advocating for the further oppression of minorities!
#AllLivesMatter! Black people are always playing the race card. And, like, why do their lives matter more than anyone else? WHITE PEOPLE MATTER TOO. And what’s up with these people claiming that police brutality is the reason they’re dead?
It’s essential to miss the entire point of the #BLM movement. Like, completely skip over the idea that it’s about power structures in society that discriminate against black lives. Ignore the history, the ongoing proof, and police brutality. Dismiss it! They’re crazy! They know NOTHING about their experiences–tell them they’re wrong, get offended, and tell them that #AllLivesMatter. It doesn’t matter that the movement isn’t saying black lives matter more than anyone else’s.
They did something wrong, they got pulled over, the police felt threatened so they shot him multiple times. (Those THUGS!)
Being a cop is hard! You have to shoot people multiple times in the back when they have their hands up. It should ALWAYS be 5 against 1. Oh, also, if they tell you they can’t breathe, don’t listen to them! If they weren’t all criminal thugs they wouldn’t have to die! #BlueLivesMatter
5. Call people Snowflakes. Tis the Season!
Everyone is special, right? Well tis the season to be LIBERAL. Call everyone a snowflake every time they say anything that makes them “special” or even remotely different.
Someone discloses their queer identity? SNOWFLAKE.
Someone wants to be treated with genuine respect and human decency? SNOWFLAKE.
Someone discusses intersectionality as a concept to describe the systems that oppress them? SNOWFLAKE.
Someone talks about how their guns are part of their CIVIL RIGHTS? How banning machine guns would inhibit their civil rights? SNOWFLAKE.
Someone discloses how their faith and identity is part of their beliefs and values? SNOWFLAKE.
Someone discloses that they got a personal, symbolic tattoo, because they get to choose what they do with their body, even though this means they can no longer donate blood? SNOWFLAKE.
Someone said they only buy and drive Chevy’s and Ford’s because they are the best brands because they’re American? SNOWFLAKE.
Someone said their favorite color is chartreuse? BRING ON THE WINTER BECAUSE WE’VE GOT ANOTHER SNOWFLAKE.
BONUS: Use this argument when arguing against liberals who share their experiences. This is the most effective way to show that you have no valid argument, and are merely evoking emotion with no real criticism.
6. Never do any research. Ever.
That’s right folks. Never do any research. Use loose facts, just wing it even if you don’t know. If you don’t know the answer, revert to “back in my day”. This one is the easiest. Not only does it allow you to stay bigoted and uninformed, but it’s easy! Google may be free but something like looking up “difference between sex and gender” is too much. What good does that do? Screw being PC. I’d rather stay ignorant and uninformed! This way, I know I can get EXTREMELY angry when people correct me with facts, purely because I’m angry that I’m being made a fool, I feel attacked and I didn’t take the time to look it up myself so therefore are acting in self defense! Other people can inform me, I shouldn’t have to educate myself! I have that privilege.
Who cares that salvation army and chic fil a are homophobic? Who CARES that Aunt Jemima is racist and blackface? Ignorance is key.
Just shout “I”m Willingly Ignorant and I’m Proud!” from every rooftop so people never take you seriously.
And that’s it! 5 easy ways to cancel yourself. It gets easier once you practice. Soon, you’ll be driving home the bigotry!
It’s been a great semester, and I thought I’d leave y’all some quick tips on how to cancel yourself (and others). Use these tips anywhere.
And remember: Fox ONLY, DENY DENY DENY, ❤ Trump, #AllLivesMatter, Snowflakes, and Ignorance!
This is SJS, Signing off~
Featured Image: Meme
*ShoutOut! JMU Does not own the rights to any photos used in this post, credit can be found by clicking the link*