As feminists we hear a lot about sex positivity. Sex positivity can be defined as the ideology that all sex as long as it is healthy and explicitly consensual is a positive thing. I think there is some baggage that has been strapped on to this term. The term encourages sexual activity but has been distorted (sometimes) to degrade those who do not engage in regular sexual acts. That is, when we promote sexual positivity we often unintentionally marginalize a huge group of people who have chosen to “save” sex for one person.
I am one of those people. I have not had sex and I will not have sex until I am married. This has NOT been any easy commitment for me to keep. But it has been incredibly rewarding. I thought I would share why I decided to save sex for marriage in an effort to give a voice to those who view sexual positivity in this way.
The fundamental reason I decided to not have sex until I was married is my faith in Jesus Christ and my complete trust and obedience in his word. But I do not believe God gives commands that don’t make sense. Out of God’s love for us, he gives us commands and guidelines that, if we choose to follow them, will produce a more fulfilling and joyful life. Sex falls in that category for me. I believe he designed sex for a specific reason and desires us to experience it in the most fulfilling way possible. I personally believe this to be in the covenantal relationship of marriage. Thus, I have decided to save sex for the woman that I will devote my life to serving, honoring, and loving.
In expressing my perspective, I have to define what I believe sex is. Sex is beautiful. It has the incredible purpose to produce intimacy coupled with pleasure. Sex is communication. Sex speaks. It has the capacity to powerfully declare affection when words are inadequate. Sex is covenantal. I believe it has the power to bind two people together. It is a melting pot of emotional vulnerability, physical pleasure and spiritual connection. Sex is all about mutual giving, not receiving. It is about looking into the eyes of the person you love and desiring for them to experience pleasure, intimacy and safety. It is the closest you can get to a person. Sex is about knowing. It is a vehicle that escorts you to the innermost understanding of another person.
Sex is one of the most special, wonderful and exquisite gifts God has given us and I want to experience that with one person whom I trust, love, and treasure. I only want to bind myself to one person. I only want to communicate that intimately with one person. I only want to experience that type of pleasure with one person. I want to give all I am and all I have to one person and one person only. I find sex so beautiful and hold it in such high regard that I want it to be a pure experience with a person I’ve chosen to love til the day I die.
Despite all the reasons I gave above, it is not an easy commitment for me to honor but one that I see as worth the wait. From the decision, I have learned discipline and self-control. I have learned how to work through problems with my girlfriend through talking and not simply having sex to ignore an issue. I have learned how to see women not as objects for physical pleasure but as beautiful humans to be honored and respected. I have learned not to make decisions based only on my natural inclinations but to think and discern potential outcomes. I have learned how to communicate affection in more creative ways than a sexual experience. I am excited for sex but I am more excited to invest the entirety of my being in the arms of a trusting friend. That is sex positivity to me.