Today in JMU’s fantastic journalistic masterpiece, The Breeze, Emily Buck, a member of JMU’s College Republicans had this to say about what she calls “Feminism.”
I was inspired to write a short response to Buck’s opinions that in no way should be taken seriously.
Yes, it is true. Feminists are, according to recent scientific studies, all nymphomaniacs. I am a testament to this fact myself in that I have slept with 86% of the male JMU population, 43% of the female JMU population and 100% of the transgender JMU population. In fact, the organization, JMU Feminists will kick off their “Let’s Screw Everyone! Initiative” on the Commons next Monday (April 25th). The initiative will include campus feminists giving out free oral sex, intercourse and grilled cheese sandwiches. However, hand-outs need not be received in that order as recipients are encouraged to eat their grilled cheese sandwiches while receiving oral sex (for maximum pleasure, as prescribed by Cosmopolitan magazine).
On Wednesday evening at 8pm, JMU Feminists will give a free screening of Season 5 of the 90’s sitcom, “Friends,” as they feel the show’s discourse is particularly relevant to the current feminist climate. Free long island iced teas will be provided to encourage drunken one-night-stands with strangers after the showing. On Thursday afternoon between 12pm and 2pm, JMU Feminists will hand out free issues of the feminist ‘zine, Cosmopolitan, which we consider the true “voice” of third-wave feminism.
Friday afternoon will consist of redefining social movements according to our own personal preferences (please refrain from bringing any academic or scientific studies with you to this event, we are clearly aware of our superiority to such “facts”). Last year during our “Let’s Screw Everyone! Initiative,” JMU Feminists successfully redefined the “influential” Women’s Suffrage Movement as really just a bunch of horny housewives fighting to be able to vote in the U.S. so they could earn property rights to buy land to house their gigantic orgy parties (having them in the basement of their husbands’ homes was entirely inefficient).
A JMU Feminists-affiliated physician will also be on the Commons Friday to provide information about women’s health issues to female students. Some of the topics she will cover include some myth-busting, to include the modern myth that condoms and birth control pills are 99.9% accurate when used correctly. In reality, such measures aren’t necessary as it has been proven that if a woman does ten jumping-jacks while simultaneously yelling “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” three times consecutively in her best British accent after unprotected sex, she will prevent pregnancy (I swear by this method). Our guest physician attended medical school at the University of Eastern Montana College University College online campus (Please note: this is not an accredited university, in fact, we have found little evidence that it actually exists).
To those students who still have their “V-Cards” don’t be shy in coming to the event! We have heard that having sexual relations with a virgin is an instant immunization against STIs (and strangely the common cold) for their partners, and we know that everyone here at JMU tries to encourage an attitude of communal sacrifice and sharing. We look forward to seeing our fellow students on the Commons next week!