Virgin-Shaming

Lets talk about sex ba-by… actually lets talk about virginity. (I really hope you all sang that in your head the same way I just did). For my last blog post for shout out, I want to talk about virginity and how it is a social construct made by men to make women feel inferior. 

One of my favorite documentaries is “The Purity Myth,” (okay maybe not a favorite because it makes me angry every time, but something I would recommend to everyone). It talks about virginity, about how abstinence-based sex education is harmful to girls, and about how women are valued for what they do with their vaginas. Jessica Valenti explains how “they’re actively working to roll back women’s rights, using the purity myth to do it. She explains how these purity pushers are trying to devlaue young women becuase of their sexual activity, when in reality we are so much more than if we have sex and who with. 

related: Sex: are you sex positive?

I want to compare that to the college party scene. It is often shameful to be a virgin in these settings, or atleast I feel so. I have heard friends say “of course boys want a girls who wants experience,” or “what boy wants to teach a girl how to have sex.” Virgins are met with the dilemma of do I lose it with a stranger? Do I wait for someone I love? I’m scared I’m gonna be judged either way. 

One of my best friends told me in high school “you look good, you don’t look like a virgin,” when complimenting my outfit. While I know she meant well, it gave me something to think about. What does our society value? Do we value virginity or promiscuity? 

I have come to the personal conclusion that the patriarchy wins either way. You are either a slut or a prude, and no one wants either. Let me clarify, the patriarchy doesn’t want either. The patriarchy wants to control us, and one of the ways to do that is by telling there is an answer. Have sex. But once you do, don’t have too much sex. Don’t be a slut, but don’t be a prude either. Boys like girls with experience, but not too much. Screw what boys think, do what you think. 

Related: Virginity is A Patriarichal, Social constuct

Do what makes you happy. If being a virgin makes you happy, liberated, and in control… do that baby girl. If sleeping with multiple partners makes you feel happy, librarated, and in control… do that (but be safe of course).  We, as women, need to do what makes us feel good. That’s what men have been doing for years, and it’s our time. 

We need to stop slut shaming women, but we need to stop virgin shaming. We need to show our support for all women, even if they live a different lifestyle than you. Feminism is all about supporting other women, and one of the easiest ways to do that is to have no opinion on other women’s sexual activity. Her life is hers to live, and your life if yours to live. So let’s live our lives and do what’s best for us! 

6 thoughts on “Virgin-Shaming

  1. women can never win. it is either we have too much sex or not enough. A girl with 5 sexual partners is a “sluts” but when boys have 5 they are seen as sex gods. I have had friends say they will never sleep with a girl who has more “bodies” with them, like okay….,, what point is that proving??

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  2. Women are going to be criticized literally no matter what we do, so we might as well do whatever we want—whether that’s having lots of sex with various people or not having sex with anyone at all—and tell the haters to f*ck off. But I felt this post so hard. I wonder when we’ll reach a point in society where people will be able to make decisions about their sex lives without having to endure judgment (as long as those decisions are made by/between consenting adults of course).

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    1. This comment makes me think of the Kasey Musgrave song “Follow Your Arrow” where she says “you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t so you might as well just do whatever you want!” I love that mindset but I wish we lived in a world where it wasn’t even needed

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  3. I really like how you mentioned the harm that can be done by solely preaching abstinence based sex ed. I oftentimes wonder the stress and trouble it would’ve saved me if I knew the reality behind sex and my vagina when I was younger (or even a teenager). I have been shamed for having no sex or too much.. haters gonna hate

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