Ah Valentine’s Day. A day that makes me think “Thank Jesus I’m not in that relationship anymore, hallelujah to being single on Valentine’s Day!” I’ve been seeing a lot of mumbo jumbo online about why successful ambitious women are drawn to loser guys and I figured Valentine’s Day would be the perfect time to write about my experience (as I’m super awesome and my ex was lameskies).
So just to give you some background, Shape Magazine posted an article online entitled Why Strong Women Date Weak Men which talks about celebrity couples. This article outlines the reasons why women date shitty guys and it’s littered with quotes from psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. Durvasula. She thinks that women get fooled because we catch the men on a “series of really good days.” Apparently its just too darn hard for us to figure out what a good guy is! The article ends with three signs to watch out for to make sure you aren’t getting lured in by a loser:
1. You’re stuck in his world
2. You want to change him
3. You feel like a doormat
Now, these are three things that do happen when you are in fact dating a loser but I don’t think you need to put it in a magazine article. Women know when they’re in a bad relationship and I have a very different theory of why they stay in them rather than “we catch men on good days”….*face palm*
My answer makes more sense: We want to be loved.
And this has no gender bias. Everyone. We all want love.
Sam from Financial Samurai posted an article entitled Why Do Women Go Out With Deadbeat Losers? and this article is much more in line with my theory.
“My theory is that in the beginning, most women don’t know the guy is a deadbeat loser. He probably is reasonably attractive and tells a good story about his current situation and his ambitions. Obviously, he will be on his best behavior during the wooing process.”
Amen! So we fall in love with this person, who is actually not who we think they are, and then we hold on to that idea of them even when they stop treating us right.
“Her “oh, shit” moment comes at a time after she’s given everything to him. As we are generally all optimists, a woman believes she can salvage the relationship and change him for the better.”
You put everything you have into the relationship (because you want and expect that same love back) and then when you realize you can do so much better, you still don’t want to let go.
I had my “oh, shit” moment (I’ll spare you the details) and ended the relationship.
The weeks following the break-up were tough because I was nothing but the best girlfriend to this man. I got calls all the time that were essentially “You were the best thing that ever happened to me, I still love you, I’d do anything to have you back…..etc. etc.” (I still get those calls a year later)
This is where people have a hard time, because we want that love, and this person is promising to change and be the person we need. They won’t, they can’t, they are who they are and that’s okay but they aren’t the one for you! I did a lot of reflection and realized: “Of course he wants me back, I’m awesome! I’m a beautiful, smart ambitious woman! But just because I’m awesome, doesn’t mean I have to settle for someone who’s not just because they love me.”
Don’t settle this Valentine’s Day! If you need advice or just simply want to share your experience I’d love to hear from you!