A few weeks ago, I attended a Healing, Pleasure and Sex After Trauma workshop hosted by Sarah Brynn Holiday. I wanted to write a post about it, but I wasn’t entirely sure how to go about it. Should I stick to the usual layout and just describe the event and how it helped me think through my own personal issues? I didn’t think a description would nearly give it enough justice. Throughout the workshop, the word healing stuck with me. How have I usually tried to heal from my past experiences? I write. I write A LOT. My notebook is scribbled with smeared words and unfinished sentences. Heck, the notes app in my phone is filled with the poetry I’ve been writing and I’ve been using it as a way to help cope with my problems.
So, I decided why not spice things up for this blog post and write a poem…
Five Easy Steps to Healing
step one of healing,
is to force yourself to forgive the tears that spilled off your cheeks night after night, the claw marks you made on your skin because you couldn’t bear to show vulnerability to anyone but yourself.
it’s the lingering and at times overwhelming feeling that maybe i can’t make it through this.
is to try your very hardest to forget.
repress your feelings so deeply within yourself that you forget where you left it. understand that there is no map or compass that could help you find all the pieces.
convince yourself that their excuse of “i still love you” makes up for every intimidating thought that this isn’t worth it, regardless of if it’s true or not.
after a few years, finally convince your mother that you are not okay, and this isn’t as easy to fix as your toy truck was. remind her that it was nothing she did, she couldn’t have done anything to fix this. you kept it to yourself, because a vacant stare with an empty inside that pretends everything is okay is more understood than a sad one.
schedule an appointment with a therapist who will remind you twice a week that you deserve better than the way you treat yourself and you can’t blame yourself for the way you were treated. they will tell you that your years spent isolated in a crowded room will only prepare you to be the person you will become. that this hallow feeling won’t last forever.
and just know that step five, is trying to get through this and eventually closing the wound that stayed open for as long as you can remember.
you may feel better in a day, a week, months or even years from now.
this is for you and only you.
nobody else has the right to tell you that you “should have recovered by now”.
it’s your journey and nobody else’s.
through all this, it’s about reaching an acceptance that this is how things were, but it’s not how it has to continue to be.
and this is what they call “healing” in just five easy steps.
Femme Fatale x