Navigating as a Middle Sexuality: Why I’m Not Gay Enough

Hi friends, welcome to my first ShoutOut post! In honor of last week being Bisexual Awareness Week, which ended with Saturday being Bisexual Visibility Day I wanted to discuss my experiences as a middle sexuality and bisexual person. What I mean by middle sexuality is that I am in the middle of the sexuality spectrum with the extremes being straight or gay. Due to many harmful stereotypes, it is difficult to get recognition both in the LGBTQ+ community and outside of it. The same can be said for other middle sexualities like Pansexuality.

Unfortunately, being aware of these issues does not make it any easier for me. I know that I am bisexual and that is valid but I’ve come to notice that I still feel like an outsider in certain settings involving the LGBTQ+ community. Most of the time I feel like the straight person in the room if I acknowledge the attractiveness of a man around a group of mostly lesbians. The vibe in a room turns different, there may be some talk of “okay, but like what about girls?” It gets a bit irritating as I feel like I have to constantly remind others that yes I still like girls too, I promise. In some of these situations I might have even said something like “wow, she’s incredible and I’m feeling super gay right now,” maybe moments earlier. 

A lot of that fear of being perceived as ‘too straight’ lies in more misogynistic stereotypes that the linked article explains extremely well. Basically, if you identify as a woman it is assumed that you are straight and just looking for attention but if you identify as a man then you are just secretly gay. It is all men-centric and that is not at all true for me. I experience my bisexuality in a fluctuating way, sometimes I have a stronger preference for men, other times it is women, and sometimes I am mostly attracted to gender nonconforming individuals. That fluctuation can happen week to week, day to day, or even hour to hour.  Since my orientation is in such a fluid state it feels extremely dismissive to have to be on the defensive every time I happen to be attracted to a man.

I guess this post is a loud way of saying I’m going to keep doing me, and that these stereotypes and awkward situations are not going to stop me from expressing myself. I hope this gives you a taste of who I am. Also, if you find yourself pushing any of these stereotypes onto other people who belong on the middle sexuality spectrum, please STOP. So until next time, thank you for reading!


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5 thoughts on “Navigating as a Middle Sexuality: Why I’m Not Gay Enough

  1. I am wondering how you think appearance might affect how people perceive middle sexuality? I am a big advocate for celebrating queer-femme gender expression, but the outside still reads that as heterosexual because the larger discourse about gender and sexuality is that they are one in the same, problematically. Anyway, I wonder how you think appearance affects these stereotypes?


    1. Hi sorry, I’ve been trying to reply to this for days but the system hasn’t been letting me so I’m giving this one more try. I think that outward appearance has a huge impact. I am straight passing, and I know that gives me privilege in many areas of oppression because it is much easier for me to navigate potentially unsafe spaces. However, it also gives way to bi erasure which is harmful in itself. It leads to an importance of destroying unhealthy narratives that assume lgbtq+ individuals have to subscribe to physical characteristics.


      1. I think you should explore the idea of straight passing, as I don’t believe that there is such a thing. Rather, I believe that “straight passing” really means cisgender passing. Women with long hair, who wear makeup etc, are elements of having one’s given gender match with their gender identity. This is cissexism, and cis-privilege. Sexuality is based on identity, but also behavior. It would be cool to deep dive this even more.


        1. I might cover that in a later post but straight passing is definitely an issue in addition to cispassing. Self expression of non heterosexual women is viewed as short hair or often “tomboyish” features. Lots of sexual deviancy is also associated and these stereotypes are harmful. I would argue that they are not as severe in consequences as cispassing.


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