“Nice Guys” and Why I Can’t Stand Them

We’re all familiar with the trope of the typical “nice guy”: the lovable boy-next-door who is just unlucky in love. Often, the object of the “nice guy’s” affections is his best female friend, who inevitably is in love with a jerk who treats her terribly. The “nice guy” then laments that he doesn’t understand why she doesn’t like him back because he’s the only man that treats her right. Sound familiar? That’s because we see this trope constantly reflected in mainstream media—for example, the character of Cameron in the movie 10 Things I Hate About You. Goofy Cameron (Joseph Gordon Levitt) is in love with popular girl Bianca (Larisa Oleynik), and attempts to woo her through showing her what a “nice guy” he can be compared to her current love interest, jerky football player Joey (Andrew Keegan). The problem arises when Cameron starts to get angry at the fact that all of his “niceness” did not result in a date with Bianca. And now we’ve arrived at the ultimate problem with the “nice guy”—they’re actually not that nice. In fact, they kind of suck.

The back of my head in a still frame from 10 Things I Hate About You

Flickr.com, CC

Now, this definition of a “nice guy” does not apply to genuinely nice guys. I know those exist in the world, and I am grateful for that. This particular breed of “nice guy” assumes that there is a direct causation between treating a woman “right” (aka like a human being) and sleeping with her. Cameron felt that because he tutored Bianca, listened to her problems and generally didn’t treat her like shit, that he deserved to be with her. And there lies my issue with the dreaded “nice guy”: the fact that he thinks he DESERVES anything. Niceness does not mean a woman owes a man anything. In fact, most of the things that Cameron (and the majority of “nice guys”) does are things that any decent human being should treat their friends. Also, treating someone kindly and then expecting sex creates an awkward exchange dynamic that further objectifies women.

The “nice guy” is also problematic because the frustration and rejection he feels after a woman dares to not feel the same way about him can lead to dangerous consequences for women. Elliot Rodger murdered six people in Santa Barbara, California last summer because he felt unfairly rejected by women throughout his life. Rodger said that life was not fair, and chillingly states in one of his last videos:

“You girls have never been attracted to me. I don’t know why you girls aren’t attracted to me. I will punish you all for it.”

While Rodger’s case was very extreme, it still draws a link between thinking that women “owe” you something and the acts of violence and rage that can ensue when that “debt” has not been paid.

The bottom line is, women are human beings and deserve to be treated with respect and decency. Period. There should not be a follow-up sentence saying, “And if I do X, Y and Z, she is required to feel the same way about me and if she doesn’t she’s a bitch who only likes bad boys.” “Nice guys” need to start understanding that expecting sex for being a decent person isn’t “nice” at all. And to all of the genuinely nice guys, girls and non-binary identified humans out there: call out these fake “nice guys” for what they are actually saying. Let’s make sure this trope of “nice guys” actually DOES finish last.

11 thoughts on ““Nice Guys” and Why I Can’t Stand Them

  1. This is such a great blog post for a couple reasons , 1. Because “10 Things I Hate About You” is probably my favorite movie of all time, and 2. Because everything you said is spot on! This idea of a “nice guy” also reifies the idea that relationships and sex with woman are all based on exchanges. It makes it so that it’s not something that people do for each other, but instead something that women let men do to them, which is so messed up. Women don’t owe the nice people in their life anything, and if they do decide to have sex with them, it’s not to repay some debt of niceness.


    1. Thanks so much, @befreeanddrinktea! I’m so glad you brought up reification, because I think the underlying assumption of exchanging niceness/money/time for sex is taking away the humanity of relationships. We need to understand that relationships, both emotional and sexual, are not exchanges but human interactions–the more we acknowledge that, the more we can work to change it!

      Also 10 Things I Hate About You rocks!


  2. I absolutely love this post! This takes such a great turn that I never really thought about. You see the “nice guy” in movies all the time, and looking at it and analyzing that they think they are obligated to sex just because they are being decent. It is interesting because when I think about awful people, I think about the terrible guys you would normally see, but looking at it, it’s the people who identify as a “nice guy” who are just as bad.


    1. Thanks for the kind words, @thewanderingotter! The “nice guy” is super insidious for that exact reason: his behavior is not inherently bad, but the expectation of sex or love as a result of the behavior is incredibly dangerous and misogynistic. And you’re right, it’s ALL over modern media such as movies…so lame.


  3. YES!! People are never means to an end. “This particular breed of “nice guy” assumes that there is a direct causation between treating a woman “right” (aka like a human being) and sleeping with her.” This is so on point, and I’ve never been able to put my finger on the problem like that before! I seriously hate these guys because they assume women and the world owe them everything. You’re right, we should all be pointing this out in real life.


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