We’ve all heard it before: women who are unhappy with something their partner has done may choose to stop having sex with them until the situation changes. It’s a common trick used in movies and television all the time, and if some of the conversations I’ve heard recently are true, it’s happening in the real world too.
So what’s wrong with holding your sex life hostage, you ask? The obvious answer is that it’s manipulative. Resorting to punishment as a communication technique might indicate that there is a deeper problem at play here, one that will probably require some discussion to solve. Using manipulation does nothing but show a lack of trust in the relationship, and ultimately just makes for more frustration. However, women withholding sex from their partners is also indicative of some deeper concern about the way we treat sex in relationships.
Of course, anyone has the right to refuse sex with anyone else for whatever reason, whether in a relationship with that person or not. I find no issue there. However, denying sex to a partner in order to gain an unrelated advantage in an argument creates a dynamic where sex is used as a tool. And here we’ve found an issue.
The problem with viewing sex as a tool is that it implies that abstaining will affect a woman’s partner more than it will affect her. In a society where it is common practice to believe that men enjoy sex more than women do, it’s easy to erase female pleasure from the equation. Women are treated like vehicles for male pleasure in every type of media we consume. (If you don’t believe me, check out this past season’s Superbowl ads.) We are taught to hate our bodies for not being good enough, but to use them as bargaining chips to get ahead in whatever situation we can. In denying sex to our partners for argumentative gain, we perpetuate the cultural belief that sex isn’t as pleasurable for women as it is for men, or even that women may not enjoy sex at all.
So maybe we’ve accepted that women don’t enjoy sex. Then why do it at all? Something so intimate should be pleasurable for everyone involved. If sex is so unenjoyable that it can be used as a bartering tool, then maybe it’s time to focus more on why one partner isn’t getting as much out of it as the other.
However, if sex is enjoyable for both partners, I think it’s time that we acknowledged it. It seems as though women are supposed to be happy if we are the objects of desire, but that our sex drive stops at foreplay. It’s evident in the lack of acknowledgement of female masturbation, the focus we have on male sex drive, and it’s evident when we pretend that sex is a service that women won’t provide if the garbage isn’t taken out or if our partner refuses to let us win an argument. Instead, we should admit that we like sex and that’s ok, or else that we don’t like sex and want to get more out of it, or even that we don’t like sex and don’t want to have it because it’s our decision not to. Whatever your reasons for having or not having it, make sure that sex is done on everyone’s terms and that there is a focus on everyone’s satisfaction, including your own.
ShoutOut! James Madison University 
You nailed it with this post. “In a society where it is common practice to believe that men enjoy sex more than women do, it’s easy to erase female pleasure from the equation. Women are treated like vehicles for male pleasure in every type of media we consume”–YES. How many times do we observe the female taking control of her sexuality in movies/television/etc.? I never do. The male character is always the pursuant, and the woman either acquiesces, or pulls the “not now, honey” card (Everybody Loves Raymond is a huge culprit for the latter). Either way, the woman is not portrayed as taking control of her own desires. Her decision revolves around the man to some extent. Thank you for posting this, everything about it is perfect.
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Thanks so much! And I completely agree, shows (and especially “Raymond”) and movies that show females that use sex to get what they want, or treat it like a chore, are so frustrating! It’s as though sex is another chore like doing the laundry that women are expected to do.
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I definitely agree with your post in the way that people have been using sex lately and how certain individuals have been holding it over their significant others head as a tool. It is very common lately for the female in the relationship to withhold sex from their partner until they are satisfied with their wants and needs or have fixed a certain situation or issues within their relationship. Once this person has fixed the issue and has gotten what they have wanted from the other, then usually they will stop withholding sex from their partner and things will resume and go back to normal where sex will be pleasurable for both of the partners in the relationships.
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Absolutely! But it leads me to wonder why sex can be treated so casually if it’s expected to be pleasurable for both- wouldn’t it be hurting the person withholding it just as much then?
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I think you make a great point here and this concept, of withholding sex as a punishment and allowing sex as a reward for good behavior, is everywhere especially in the media. For sex to be tossed around so casually is a shame because I feel like the intimacy and pleasure is downplayed. Sex isn’t something for either partner to give or take away, it’s an mutual act of pleasing yourself and the other person.
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I especially agree with your point about sex being an act of self-pleasure. I feel like we seem to downplay this when we force women to choose between being the “virgin” or “slut” trope, and that it’s some kind of moral compass.
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Coercing a husband to engage in sex in a “barter” situation is sexual assault, it’s not much different from a boss “bartering” for sex with an employee if s/he wants to keep a job.
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Many women arent withholding sex as a way to control. They are with holding sex because they are unhappy, resentful. Tired, angry…none of those emotions are compatible with being turned on especially by a partner that is the root cause of all those emotions.
Who the hell wants to have sex or be intimate with someone that’s lazy or acts immature or is a lousy husband. Most men dont give a crap as long as they get their physical needs met. Which only makes some women feel even shittier knowing their husband cant be bothered putting in the effort to meet her emotional needs first.
TURN OFF
NOT a turn on.
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