I think I can say with confidence that it is no surprise to my friends and family that I am a feminist. I am often vocal about my political and philosophical beliefs, given the right setting. But I only bring up politics if I feel I’m in a group of people that I know will hear me out, and I never do it around people I don’t know very well.
So a few weeks ago, when a friend “outed” me as a feminist at a bar, I was taken aback. To be more specific, I was referred as “crazy, liberal, feminist, atheist.” Nothing mean or spiteful was meant by it. But frankly, I was pissed.
This anger led to a few days of contemplation. Why would it bother me so much to be have someone else reveal that I’m a feminist. I’m not exactly shy about it, so what is the big deal? If I’m being honest, I was concerned about the negative stereotypes associated with feminism. I was so afraid that this person, whom I had only just met, would now make a million incorrect assumptions about me. And I don’t think that for nothing. Oftentimes, when people do find out I’m a feminist, I am immediately asked a variety the following questions:
“So do you have a girlfriend?”
“How do you deal with not shaving?”
“But you wear make-up?”
“But I thought you dated guys?”
You get the idea. It’s not that I mind people thinking I’m a lesbian, or hairy, or anything. I do mind people assuming anything about me just because I believe that women deserve to be on equal footing with men. I am a straight, make-up wearing, leg shaving, Vogue-subscribing feminist. I even occasionally wear dresses and skirts. Shocking, I know.
But this got me thinking about why so many women reject the feminist label. Powerful, famous women who are liberal but reject the f-word are heavily criticized by the movement. But are we really doing anything to further ourselves and our ideals by doing this?
Let’s be honest here. For years, feminism only served one group of women: white, upper class, and straight. Alice Paul and the NWP actively worked against many working class women and unions in pursuit of the Equal Rights Amendment. Women of color were often left out of discussions that directly concerned them. Lesbian and bi-sexual women were referred to as the “lavendar menace” by Betty Friedan. Radical feminists STILL work to keep trans* women out of feminism. So can we honestly fault anyone who doesn’t want to claim the label? If they still fight for equality, does it matter what they call themselves?
I’ll be honest, readers, I don’t have an answer to this. I have very mixed feelings about calling myself a feminist most days, because I come from a working-class background. So I personally don’t feel comfortable criticizing another woman’s choices.
But I’d like to know what my fellow bloggers, and all of our readers, think about this. Does the label really matter? Or is the intent more important?
I think there was a really good blogpost about this which just went up on Auroralapetite (http://auroralapetite.wordpress.com/2012/10/10/im-not-a-feminist-but/). I rejected the label actively when I first started uni, I was bi and liberal and atheist and I was damned if anyone was going to jump to grand conclusions about me or throw me in the bag with a whole movement I didn’t know much about. But the beauty of feminism is that it can still become what we make it, and I think it’s a movement of women who want to control they’re own biology and lead fulfilling lives, i think that’s most people let alone most women….
Thanks for the comment and the link, I really enjoyed that post!!! I totally agree that feminism still has the potential to be what we make it. I guess a large issue I have is that we still lend the podium to upper class white women. Major names in feminism today are Jessica Valenti and Shelby Knox. Both privileged white women. How can what they are saying be very different if their experiences are the same as their forebears? So when I hear other feminists criticize people who don’t identify I get really frustrated. It’s funny too because I have identified as a feminist for many years, but I find that the more involved I get with the movement and the more I learn about it, the more I understand the hesitation. Does that seem backwards?
Love this! I’ve been “outed” as well and I have definitely felt similar feelings. It’s weird because I don’t mind being called a feminist. At the same time, when you’re being “outed,” it carries a pseudo-negative connotation. To be honest, I could care less what random people think about me being a feminist. But I almost feel like my body is going into “defense” mode…like I’m waiting for someone to come up and start an argument or take some cheap shot at me. I also feel like that when JGrand get’s harassed for being a feminist…which happens wayyy more often than people harassing me. When people approach him about it, they are in shock, taken aback, “WTF’d” (seriously, shocked). Then I start to get mad because I feel like he backs off a little and doesn’t “commit” as much to feminism. He’ll say things like, “I believe in equality” but he doesn’t say things like, “Yeah, I’m fem, deal with it….” (which is probably what I would say). I don’t know if he’s had that feeling before (he should chime in now) and I don’t think my thoughts are necessarily correct. I just don’t know what to do. It makes me really uncomfortable.
It used to not bother me at all. But I think that now, with the election making everyone so divisive, plus my own internal struggles with feminism, I get really touchy about it. I think part of it is also that someone is speaking for me. Even the person saying the f-word gives it a different connotation. In this example it was a male friend, and I feel like when guys say “feminist” there are negative connotations, whereas if I say it people don’t read quite as much into it.
In response to the above, it is a tough situation. The reason I may appear to back off a bit is because I try to get people to realize what exactly feminism entails (and hopefully realize that they are feminists as well). I don’t want to get hostile because that is what people seem to expect. Taking a cheap shot at feminism is easy for people to do and this article addressed some of the key stereotypes that are brought up. At the same time, I have trouble believing that most people who make jokes about feminism actually believe those jokes.
I believe a far better response is to take a step back and ask the person if they agree with gender equality. In the end, no matter what micro differences feminists have, that is a goal that we all agree with. I think that most reasonable people agree with the goal of gender equality as well. Even if you aren’t a woman, everyone has women that they care about. I doubt that the same people making jokes would want to see their moms, sisters, aunts, girlfriends, or friends facing poor treatment based on their gender.
Starting an argument isn’t the best way to get people to agree with you. Quoting statistics or spouting off literature can help change minds, but it can also turn people off immediately. I think that by starting small we can change the perceptions of what feminism entails. It’s easy enough to defend feminism to reasonable people. Why bother going on the attack? There are many ways to handle this situation, and this is just the way I go about it. Just my two cents on the issue 🙂
I think this is a great strategy!!! It’s so easy for us to get on the defensive and spout statistics, but let’s be honest, it’s never effective. People are so much more likely to listen if you are calm and reasonable. Great idea Jgrand!!!