Bitchin’ Table: Rick Santorum, Victim of Heterophobia

Welcome back to the Bitchin’ Table, your Friday feature where two ShoutOut! bloggers bitch and moan and shriek, all favorite feminist pastimes. This week aliasmitch and Katie O. discuss poor oppressed straight, white man Rick Santorum, his plight of persecution by the gays, how sad it makes him when people think he’s racist (jeez, he meant “blah people” okay?), and why he should control your womb, you silly woman!

Katie O.: Oh, hey aliasmitch! So today I was just pondering the tragic plight of straight white men in America, and naturally I immediately thought of poor, bullied Rick Santorum.

aliasmitch: Man, that straight dude? Haha, have you heard how successful my gay cronies and I have been at bullying him?

Katie O.: Oh, have I ever. It is the kind of back yard bullying that Karen and Rick Santorum simply will not stand for!

aliasmitch: I almost feel bad, because I mean, heterosexuals have it hard enough. But acknowledging that I have homosexual privilege is just too hard for me to deal with. So, sorry Santorums! You’ll just have to suffer in silence.

Katie O.: aliasmitch, don’t you think you’re being awfully harsh? I mean, all he wants is to ban gay marriage, annul all current gay marriages, and prevent gay people from adopting. Come on, it’s not THAT bad. He’s doing it because he LOVES gay people.

It’s for the greater good. Like his eternally fashionable $100 sweater vests.

aliasmitch: You know, when he said he loved me, I did feel a twinge of regret. He’s doing what’s best for the children right? Which is, as we know, always being raised by heterosexual couples.

Katie O.: He does love you. He’s saving you. And in forgiving you for your dirty dirty sinful sex, he gets to go to heaven.

aliasmitch: But I want to continue to deny heterosexual parents the right to their children. According to the arbitrary rules I made right now, heterosexuality actually isn’t valid. I just don’t support that lifestyle. It was the Original Sin, after all.

Katie O.: Heterosexuals are inherently better parents, aliasmitch. According to Rick Santorum, scholar of the Bible, children NEED straight parents. To, you know, straighten them out.

aliasmitch: Is that a fact?

Katie O.: a God-given fact.

aliasmitch: Maybe my straight parents were secretly gay to make a gay child like myself?

Katie O.: That is part of the Homosexual Conspiracy.

aliasmitch: I should stop spray painting BREEDERS on their garage door then…

Katie O.: While we’re on the topic of things we should stop doing, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention abortions. You know abortions are intended to abort all the straight children.

And, ladies, if you are raped? As Santorum says, if you conceive from rape, it’s a gift from God! You need to make the best out of that shitty situation. Clearly Rick Santorum knows best about these serious issues. And instead of listening, those gays and those feminists insist on persecuting him.

aliasmitch: I mean, Rick is the authority on child raising right? Every time I left an unwanted child on his doorstep, he would shout “Thank God, A Gift!” and keep it. I tried this like, 30 times. But every time it was like Christmas for the Santorums.

Katie O.: Well, you know Rick Santorum is always trying to do the right thing. That’s why he’s all about annulling current gay marriages, banning birth control, and sputtering so incoherently during debates he’ll never get elected! It’s also why he SO badly wants to get “blah people” off of welfare! It’s hurting all of the blah people, aliasmitch.

aliasmitch: Man, the plight of blah people. No one understands it better than Rick Santorum. Many misunderstood him as saying “black people on welfare.” But he really meant blah people!

Katie O.: Never mind that when he said that in Iowa, he was in a place where “wha people” outnumber blah people on welfare nine to one.

aliasmitch: That isn’t racist at all! Makes perfect sense. My best friend is a blah person, so I’m an authority on the subject.

Katie O.: Rick Santorum is not a racist, and no one should forget that. He loves blah people as much as he loves gay people. And women!

aliasmitch: His love for women is unending. I mean, they are not capable of being president but Ricky loves them anyway!

Katie O.: And I am so glad that his staffer reminded us of that. I mean, I was preparing for a future presidential run. Thank God Rick and his staff could remind me that God’s plan is for me to be a only a MOTHER, not a president.

aliasmitch: I mean, you are so mistaken to ever think that you are an equal human being with men.

Katie O.: AH, MY FIRST MISTAKE. I think that’s where I always go wrong.

aliasmitch: ACTUALLY SECOND… YOUR FIRST WAS HAVING LADYPARTS! I mean thank God Rick CAN be president. He’s not a blah-person, he’s male, and straight.

Katie O.: And he will be our best president. We’ll return to the days of yore when blah people and women had essentially no rights at all.

aliasmitch: According to him, he is all the right things to be president.

Katie O.: God will be happy, Rick will be happy, and our nation will be able to affirm it’s blatant oppression of non-Rick Santorum-like peoples.

aliasmitch: I’m starting to see the light.

Katie O.: Are you going to stop bullying poor Rick now?

aliasmitch: I should stop depriving him of his right to marry and have children. I FEEL SO BAD KATIE

Katie O.: YOU SHOULD, GAY OPPRESSOR.

aliasmitch: Maybe we should start a campaign for Ricky. Maybe we can assure him “You’re Still Better!” It has to be what he longs to hear.

Katie O.: And, more importantly, it is the damn truth. Rick Santorum, white, straight, male Rick Santorum is still better than all of the rest of us. We should support him, it’s difficult to be so oppressed.

aliasmitch: I mean, he has to feel pretty bad when people constantly compare heterosexuality to incest and bestiality.

Katie O.: You gays think that those are the same things as heterosexuality, and that is unfair. I know you think allowing heterosexual marriage will open the floodgates, but those are false parallels!

aliasmitch: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? WE JUST CAN’T GIFT THEM TO ANYONE KATIE.

Katie O.: LEAVE POOR RICK SANTORUM ALONE. Let him get married! Let him be president! Let him raise his children as bigoted as he wants! They’ll be best in his hands. Like our nation. And our lives. And our uteruses, for those of us who have them.

aliasmitch: I mean do you even DESERVE to have them? I mean if you can’t run a country can you even run a womb? Thank God Rick is here to take charge of that too.

Katie O.: Nah, I’ve done nothing but shameful things with mine. Like menstruate and other dirty womanly things. Rick Santorum for President and Official Uterus Controller of the United States of America!

aliasmitch: Maybe every woman can send up progress reports.That would really revitalize our economy and provide jobs, especially after he bans pornography– a lot of men would love to read those.

Katie O.: I know nothing will stimulate red-blooded heterosexual men AND the economy like progress reports about the state of our holy uteruses. I think you’ve hit on something spectacular! Perhaps you should work for the Santorum campaign?

aliasmitch: I mean, only if Rick can find it in his heart to forgive me for bullying him. I know he thinks I shouldn’t have any rights as a gay person, but he does love me.

Katie O.: You know, Rick Santorum being a God-fearing Catholic man certainly can find it in his heart to forgive you for the bullying. Just don’t expect him to stop persecuting you, that’s not a thing that will ever happen.

aliasmitch: FORGIVE US, RICK! We just wanted to be friends.