Men and Maxi Pads

I found the following letter on a friend of mine’s facebook and figured that you all would find this as interesting as I did.

“Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now.  As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’

Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?  FYI, un les s you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always. . …

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX”

The article written to the makers of Always brand maxi pads exposes a flaw in the thinking of the marketers of feminine hygene products. “Have a happy period”? Who could possibly write that? A man, that’s who. The inherent problem with this add that the perceptive Wendi Aarons from Austin, Texas misses is that this add for women’s hygene products was most probably written by a man…one who has never experienced a menstrual cycle.

The new “U”  brand of pads and tampons by Kotex also combats the same problems that Wendi has found in the advertisement for women’s products. They ALSO gloss over the fact that it the vast majority of Advertising companies are run and employed by mostly men. This accounts for the main disconnect found by both Wendi and Kotex. During the menstrual cycle most women are uninterested in going clubbing or frolicking on the beach in skin tight white capri-pants, but a man would not know that. Men may, and obviously have, mistakenly assumed that the actual flow of a menstrual cycle is the single thing holding a woman back from full vibrancy during her cycle…because, and I know that I have said this already, THEY’VE NEVER HAD A PERIOD. Therefore, they would not know about back aches, cramping, fatigue, bloating, bitchiness, etc etc. So Wendi, thank you very much for telling Mr. Thatcher that having a “happy period” is not on the top of many women’s things to do lists, we all appreciate it.