This post was edited on 3/25/25 by lifeisgood77
When people say the phrase crazy cat lady, it is casual. It’s on the couch with friends, poking fun at someone that you went to high school with and weren’t a fan of, that still isn’t married. It’s supposed to be a dig, but not harsh. But if someone were to call you out on it, saying that’s rude or that’s not okay, it would only take a second to backtrack and ask, why is it rude? What’s wrong with being a crazy cat lady or loving your pets? But you know what you meant by saying it, and everyone around you knows what you meant by it. You’re insinuating that a woman isn’t “there yet,” not married, not a mother.
The phrase crazy cat lady has never really been a dig about how many cats someone has or how much someone loves their cats. It has always been about a standard and timeline that women are expected to meet, a standard that the patriarchy has helped shape and that oftentimes men and women do not even realize they are reinforcing.
The phrase has become so normalized that it is easy to play it off as a joke, but especially through a feminist lens, it is so important to break it down and call it out for what it is. For so long, women seemingly have a timeline laid out for them with quotas to hit, milestones to reach, and when, and every timeline is the same, no ifs, buts, or whys. Date, get engaged, get married, have kids, stay home with your kids.
The way a woman is “meant to act” is woven within these timelines as well. Be kind, be soft, be feminine, be independent but just enough, be maternal, be loving, be willing to put your career on pause when you have children and support your husband, have dinner cooked when he gets back from work even if you’re tired, and make sure you have a little bit of makeup on too while you’re at it. Even in today’s world, the ideal woman is imagined as being a wife and mother before anything else, before she is seen as a person. So when a woman “goes against the grain” and does something different than the timeline says or acts differently than how the woven-in characteristics say she should, it is not taken as just a choice, it is her “making a statement.”
The name-calling and stereotype of a crazy cat lady came to be to poke fun at and degrade single women without children as less than a woman married with kids. It frames these women as lonely, less than, sad, versus saying that they know what they want, they’re satisfied in their own life, they’re happy figuring out what life looks like for them.
When you chip away at the thin layer of the joke of saying someone is a crazy cat lady, it is easy to see what is meant by saying it. If you choose to do anything but become a mother and wife, something needs fixing.
When I began writing this blog, I thought about what a man who is single and has a dog would be called. What is the equivalent for a crazy cat man? Then I realized there is none.
If a man is single and lives with a cat, he’s mysterious, he’s independent, he is satisfied enough in his life to know he doesn’t need someone else. His apartment becomes seen as a sexy bachelor pad versus a lonely apartment if it were a woman. And don’t even get me started if the man had a dog instead of a cat. Then it’s all about a man and a man’s best friend. Really? The point in bringing this up is simply to point out that there is no male equivalent. Nothing at all comes to mind. Men do not get questioned for wanting to live a lifestyle alone with an animal, but a woman? Why is she alone? What’s wrong with her that caused her to be single?
People in society interpret a man and woman’s independence so differently, and it is entirely shaped by the patriarchy.
Let’s take a pause on the sexy bachelor pad talk and look at the past. When you think about masculinity throughout history, it is tied to independence, ambition, being tough, providing, and bravery. But when you look at femininity, those adjectives change quite a bit. Femininity is often tied to being nurturing, gentle, and emotionally in tune with not only themselves but others.
When a woman embraces independence the same way that men get praised for doing, it seems to cause a ripple in the gender expectations for men and women. Instead of taking the definition of what it means to be a woman and adding to it, expanding it, and improving it, society shrinks the woman through judgment and remarks.
It is also important to note in this conversation that it is not just the girl next door who is ridiculed or the quiet woman at the store with her phone background of her cats. It is some of the most successful and badass women who are also framed the same exact way. Taylor Swift, for example, was labeled as lonely and a crazy cat lady for years in the media and even recently by politicians. But once again, these labels and remarks were never about how many cats she had. It was because she didn’t fit the mold of what society thinks a woman should be. Labeling her as a crazy cat lady diminished her accomplishments and talent, and that was always the goal.
Prior to being in a relationship with Travis Kelce, she was seen as a crazy cat lady, but once you add a successful and masculine man into the mix, then Taylor Swift as a person and woman makes sense to people. He was seen as the missing piece to complete her, but I am sure if you asked her, she would disagree.
Now let’s chip away a little deeper again at this nickname. The negativity that is attached to the crazy cat lady stereotype is tied to the idea of people being uncomfortable with a woman who is self-assured by herself and someone who does not rely on a man for a sense of self. If women are able to lead meaningful lives without being a wife or mother, then that means that men are not actually those necessary providers that society and the patriarchy frame them as. It challenges the idea of masculinity in society as well as men’s role in life.
To tie everything together, when looking at the idea of the crazy cat lady stereotype from a feminist lens, we have the power to recreate and reimagine this stereotype. Instead of the stereotype framing a woman as lonely, she is fulfilled. She knows exactly what she wants. The only reason that this stereotype feels nerve-racking to some is because it goes against the expectations of what a woman is supposed to look like and how women are meant to live their lives.
All in all, the stereotype and insult has never really been about cats at all. It has always been tied to the belief that a woman’s worth is tied to being a wife and a mother. But when that belief is broken down and questioned, the “humor” actually becomes a tactic to try to put women into the place society believes they should be in.
The question should have never been focused on why a woman has cats instead of a husband. The real question should be why every woman who chooses not to lead a traditional life is scrutinized and questioned, and why a woman’s independence needs to be explained at all.
*Disclaimer: The word “crazy” can be considered ableist because it has been used to stereotype and stigmatize people with mental health conditions. In this blog, the phrase “crazy cat lady” is used only to examine and critique the stereotype, not to support or normalize that language.