Speak Like A Lady

Few things annoy me as much as the phrase “speak like a lady.” I heard it all the time growing up, but given that I am the daughter of a fighter pilot father and a Spanish mother, my colorful vocabulary was, well, a learned behavior. I never really understood why this was a problem, and now, I’m infuriated by the implications of this, frankly, sexist command.

Yes, I said it, “sexist”. For the most part, I avoid speaking in absolutes, but this is something that needs to be talked about. Why is it acceptable for a man to say “sh*t”, but a woman has to say “the S-word”? Am I less delicate of a woman if I sound it out, instead of taking the safe route and abbreviating it? Well, many would say, yes. It just sounds weird for a woman to curse and swear, I’m told. I rarely  never hear this complaint spoken about men.

Here’s my thing: I’m not advocating for the abuse of those handy dandy “sentence enhancers.” Cursing like a sailor doesn’t make anyone, man or woman, sound very intelligent. And anyway, I’d rather showcase my extensive lexicon, than perceivably cheapen my intellect with the use of such foul words. But you know what? Sometimes dropping the F-bomb is perfectly appropriate in support of my point. Sometimes, I’m talking to an individual who is more than just full of “crap.” Sometimes, those sentence enhancers really get the job done.

My concern is when our societal expectations for the use of language seem to be so contingent upon one’s gender. Typically, those harsh words are considered to be reserved for the most masculine of men. Big, strong men can handle the strength in speaking such words, I suppose. Meanwhile, us dainty, delicate ladies should only use soft and sweet words, as if the ultimate goal is to have butterflies and rainbows projected from our lips when we speak.

…Okay, even facetiously, I can’t stand to sound that hokie, but you see my point. Why should I be expected to censor my words on the grounds of my being a woman?  Is my message any less important than a man’s? Words only mean something when we give meaning to them, but why should my command of language be any different–any more reserved–than my male counterpart’s? To presuppose that there should be a difference is to suggest tolerance of a patriarchal manifestation in the ways in which we communicate.

To me, “speak like a lady” is a way to control and limit my expressions. My voice is my most prized possession, because it is the mode by which I convey those sentiments that are uniquely my own. Everything about the message I deliver is intentional, all the way down to my word choice. To tell me that I’m somehow trashy for speaking my mind, or that I’m less of a “lady” (I guess that’s supposed to be insulting…) because I used a “bad word,” is uncouth. This phrase undermines the sanctity of the idea an individual wishes to convey. It’s an accepted form of deindividuation, and incidentally, reaffirms socially-prescribed gender norms. It tells us that we should remain unaffected by a man who speaks freely, but highly offended by a woman who “usurps” her societal expectation by expanding her repertoire in such a manner.

I’ve always been a believer that militancy in any capacity is unattractive. Polluting the gift of speech with an excess of curse words is certainly pushing it too far. But if you have something to say, say it. Speak your mind plainly, and unapologetically. To censor every word that comes out of your mouth because your main concern is “speaking like a lady” is ridiculous, and a waste of the voice you were given. Everyone has a message to deliver. Use your words to speak your mind, and let no one’s judgement or double takes take that away from you.