I’m obsessed with Pinterest from crafting, to recipes, to ideas for my future home I’ll pin it all. This includes wedding ideas, something that girls are supposed to be planning from birth, and Pinterest is a wonderful conduit for it this obsession. The infinite ideas for invitations, receptions, and pictures makes any warm-blooded female go gaga, or at least that’s how we’re supposed to react.
Once again that boisterous inner feminist of mine seems to be chomping at the bit to start analyzing things, including the trappings of marriage. All you have to do is turn on TLC Friday night and see the fascination that our society has with weddings, Four Weddings, Say Yes to the Dress, and my Big Fat Gypsy Wedding all speak to this cultural phenomenon. Yet, one has to begin to wonder what are we really promoting?
Four Weddings a competition to see who can have the best wedding, the bigger and grander the affair the more points you get with couples spending more money on the wedding than a new house. Is that what marriage is supposed to be about? I know people want the day to be special, but striving for these perfectionist ideas seems to be the antithesis of marriage as a loving ceremony. The shows complete focus is on the woman, her ideas and designs, yes I get it’s been her fantasy since she was a little girl, but come on! You’re conducting a ceremony where two lives are supposed to become one, how are you doing this when only one side gets an opinion? Don’t get me wrong guys aren’t demanding to become more involved, and in my constant viewing I have only seen one episode where the guy wanted the control.. Still, what does it say about our society when half of a couple isn’t involved in one of the biggest events of their life?
I find my answer in another one of TLC’s hits My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, which is found in both American and British versions, where this is the one event in a woman’s life that she has control over. Gypsy tradition is one that would make any self-righteous feminist explode, once a woman is married, , she loses whatever little control she had over her life. To begin with gypsy girls are held on a tight leash (yes, the turn of phrase is pointed) there are never to be allowed alone with a boy, and her virginity is her most sacred object of worth. Once married her husband can do as he pleases, and she must do as he says which includes cleaning, cooking, and child-rearing So the wedding in all its many stages is the one time in a Gypsy woman’s life that she has control, and he, the future husband, graciously allows it. Our culture is different you’re thinking, marriage is only about love,but, are you sure?
Being sociologically mindful, a default for a sociology major, means that one thinks about a cultural phenomenon on a deeper level, not just the surface ideals. It means marriage cannot just be thought about in its modern conception, but must be placed within the historical context where it was developed. Marriage originally was a transaction where a man “purchased” a woman from her father. If you eventually loved your husband that’s great, but not only did love not matter but neither did your opinion of who you were marrying. That’s why it is the father who walks the bride down the aisle and gives her to the groom, it is a symbolic gesture of the father giving up his “property” rights to the new husband. Along with this is the adoption of the husband’s last name. It’s not just a way to a cute new monogram, but a way to indicate that you now belong to another man. This hard rooted tradition makes it so that any woman who decides to not take her husband’s last name is criticized and ridiculed. Personally, if I get my doctorate degree I’m keeping my last name, I did the work and I want it to be identified with me not who I married. Even without it I’m leaning towards hyphenation, a trend some women do to meet in the middle. When I discussed this topic with my roommate he said that he would be hurt if his wife didn’t take his last name, he agreed he’d be okay with the hyphenated version but it wouldn’t be his ideal. It is amazing to see how an idea has become so rooted within our society, yet we often forget its roots. I’m not trying to say that women who take their husbands last names are wrong, and should be thrown out of the feminist club. All I’m saying is that if we didn’t have the tradition, Carrie wouldn’t have needed to know her last name—because it would have been her own.
ShoutOut! James Madison University 
Interesting point. I took my husband’s last name when we married, but a few months in and I had a wobble. I should have explored the meaning of it more, as I did with many of the other wedding traditions. Now, it would cause offence to raise it. But I can live with it, and I prefer it to my previous name.
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You’re right in that it is one of things that we don’t necessarily think about during the transition. I’ve also had this discussions with many friends and know plenty who decided to change because, like you, they didn’t like their previous one. I’ve also know people who just had no connection to the name and opted to change it, both females and males. Thanks for your insight!
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This issue is one I have struggled with because I have yet to find a “solution” I am happy with. I have friends who have created a hybrid name from their last name and their partner’s. Others who have selected an alternate last name that both change to (perhaps a lost family name). A few who hyphenated – but the maiden name usually drops off after some time. The challenge that many women have is the desire to have the same name as future children. I know from second-hand experience that traveling with kids when you do not have the same name can be a nightmare where you are held, questioned, and suspected of kidnapping. Even though I haven’t found my ideal solution (which I think can only be worked out between life partners), I know one thing: I’m not comfortable with changing my name just because “that’s the way we do it.” I love how you brought up the history of marriage – I come across a lot of people who say that history doesn’t matter because it’s not the current practice while in the same breath arguing that women should take a man’s name because of tradition. What?!
I also love that you brought up Pinterest and the potential problems of being super focused on wedding planning before even finding a partner to wed. There’ve been a few good articles on this lately. Check out this one http://www.ndsuspectrum.com/features/the-f-word-a-contemporary-feminist-critique-1.2854088
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TLC Wedding specials have a way of inducing the urge to vomit in a way unparalleled by any source, save for McDonald’s McRib sandwiches. You’re right, this culture of Say Yes to the Dress and Four Weddings does take the love out of the equation. It’s become about perpetuating the “romantic” ideals, and winning a little cash for the trouble. Totally not what love is about.
Also really liked that you talked about the last name debacle–great points. To reiterate a point made earlier, though, as much as we want to consider ourselves liberated by not taking our husband’s last name, we’re still trapped in the patriarchal reality that our maiden name isn’t our own either–it belongs to our father! I totally buy what you said though, even though my maiden name is handed down through my father’s lineage, it’s one that I’ve identified with my whole life (Ha, my identity has indeed been shaped by this notion!) and I don’t intend on changing it again. Just wanted to bring that point up to illustrate that we can only run so far before we hit another wall. Anyway, I digress. Awesome post (:
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You are completely right, in that even what we consider as “our” name is another patriarchal aspect of our society. What’s sad is that even if we wanted to honor our mother we’d still only be left with taking her father’s last name. It’s one of those things were I sit and wonder, just how are we supposed to get out of this dominant patriarchal idea of society when it has become so ingrained.
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