I have a boyfriend.
This really isn’t news to most people who know me, but as I’ve only been writing for ShoutOut! for a few weeks now, it’s probably news to a lot of you. I have a boyfriend. When I say it’s not news to most people, I say that because I’ve been dating this guy since July 2010 and we’re still going strong. You don’t need to know the details of the relationship — just that we knew each other in high school and it’s long distance but we’re good. He’s a wonderful partner who supports everything I do and is stupidly proud of what I write and post on here.
So why am I writing about my relationship to all of you?
Because being in a relationship, and being a feminist, sometimes clash. And for me, personally, more often than not those clashes come from outside of my relationship, not within it.
To clarify: my boyfriend has told me dozens of stories of his colleagues and acquaintances and friends being completely baffled by his candid nature when it comes to my being a feminist. While this is somewhat upsetting, I also find it ridiculously fascinating because it’s all so new. Maybe because now that I’m writing for a feminist blog my identity as a feminist is somehow more public. Or more readily talked about when people ask him how or what I’m doing at university.
At the same time, I find it so interesting because their responses are not ones I often personally face myself. Maybe it’s because I surround myself with friends and peers (men and women alike) who are totally willing to call themselves feminists as well. Who are willing to discuss my thoughts and ideas with me and share their own hypotheses without breaking down to crude name calling or gender binary insults. So I find it maddeningly intriguing to hear my boyfriend’s stories about his interactions with people.
When I asked him to describe some of these interactions to me for this article, he had this to say:
Guys usually [ask], “Is she the one wearing the trousers then?” And [the] girls [I know] say that they can appreciate that I don’t hold it against you.
But to hear that there are women who look at my boyfriend and see his deigning to date me as some honorable character trait within him is completely disorienting. My relationship isn’t its own separate venn diagram away from my feminism. They overlap and get jumbled together until I’m on the phone yelling at him about the possible sexist remarks his boss made to his female coworker. My feminism is as much a part of our relationship as his career choices, as our shared history, as the story of our first kiss. It’s integral because it’s a part of who we both are.
So maybe there are people who judge me. Who think I’m not suitable to be in a relationship or who look at my boyfriend and think there’s something inherently wrong for loving me. Who knows? More importantly — who cares? Because all that matters to me is that I’m proud of being “The Feminist Girlfriend” and if you’re one, you should be too!
ShoutOut! James Madison University 
Being a proud “feminist girlfriend” and alumni of JMU’s feminist society myself, I totally understand where you’re at. My boyfriend is a supporter of women’s rights and supports me in all my efforts…but the term “feminist” was a big hurdle in our relationship. Most people who reject the f-word are scared they’re going to be judged and boyfriends of the f-words will be front and center for that judgement.
I think after learning my point of view and realizing that most stereotypes of feminists are not true…he’s actually proud of me for sticking to my guns and supports my beliefs. I know that his friends haven’t adjusted to the concept and he still gets questioned and criticized about being “the man” in the relationship. But hey, I question his friends for not being feminist 😉 I think as long as your boyfriend supports you and isn’t embarrased of you and what you believe, then you’ve got a good one.
LikeLike