I recently came across a quiz in Cosmopolitan that inspired this week’s myth-busting post. The quiz gave a series of questions ultimately leading the reader to discover whether she liked it hard, gentle or a mix of both in the bedroom. I gave the survey some thought, and after doing a tad bit of research, decided to de-bunk this myth once and for all.
The media’s portrayal of feminine sexuality is extremely inaccurate to say to put it mildly, we know. Whether it’s through film, print/video advertisement, or general “aura” of women, females are constantly depicted as lustful creatures craving an aggressive sexual experience. Just look at a hip hop music video, or check out a Dolce and Gabbana ad in a magazine. Women are pinned on the ground, with a look of pleasure painted across her face, or spoken about as animals, that just keep coming back for more. This voracious appetite never seems to be satisfied until that it, she has a rough physical encounter with a man that can please her hunger for extreme sex. Women are thrust into submissive pain as the violence bleeds through lyrics. Take Lil Wayne’s popular “Mrs. Officer” where he makes “her wear nothing but handcuffs and heels. And I beat it like a cop.” He goes on to say “beat it like a cop” four additional times before justifying “but I ain’t try’na be violent.” Hypocrisy drips from the mouths of these artists who encourage this myth of sexual violence as erotic, pleasurable experiences for women. There’s nothing intimate about a beating, nothing pleasing about bondage while sex is performed violently on a defenseless victim. Similarly, in ads of popular monthly print sources such as GQ and Vogue, it’s hard to miss the blatant portrayal of violence as idealistic in sexual scenarios. Take Dolce and Gabbana for example. For years their ads have been controversial, but the playing field widens as violence is used as another mechanism to sell their products. Visuals of women being restrained by their wrists in clothing that’s quite minimal and in compromising poses, suggests nothing less than an interaction described best as rape. Ironically, it’s supposed to be interpreted as desirable, a scene in which a woman’s fantasy of masculinity is fulfilled as her “partner” displays dominance and complete control over her powerless body. The viewer is left to imagine the “ecstasy” of the moment, as the woman appears mesmerizing throughout the duration of the interaction.
This is not only unrealistic, but also sets a completely inaccurate interpretation of women’s sexual fulfillment in terms of aggression. According to the Ottawa Rape Crisis Centre’s website about sexual assault, the myth that “most women enjoy sexual assault or like rough sex” severely contradicts the reality that rape occurs. The site states “this belief has evolved from society’s continuous tendency to link sex with violence. This is evident in modern videos/ popular films/music and fashion magazines. All suggest that ‘sexy’ sex is mixed with violence. The truth is, however, that no one likes to experience pain, fear, degradation, or humiliation” (http://orcc.net/violence/myths.html). It’s sad that humanity has come to have two different expectations for genders in sex, a natural union that’s supposed to provide pleasure and evoke love for both partners. The idea that promoting a practice causing men to feel pain and have a sense of anxiety in order to feel good is laughable. No man would ever support a movement to make sex hurt for them, so why is it okay to assume women feel differently? Is it because they find their own sense of eroticism in making a woman physically impaired by their own bodies? Does it enhance a man’s masculinity to be so “powerful” so as to actually please a woman by torturing her (even ever so slightly) first? These are questions we must ask ourselves if we are to truly counteract this myth and defy notions so obviously wrong. Sexuality shouldn’t come with a threat to a partner’s safety. Pain doesn’t bring pleasure. In this case, the only effect of pain is simple, ignorance.
ShoutOut! James Madison University 
I wouldn’t say no one enjoys it. While many women enjoy a much lighter experience some do get off on pain, humiliation, and degredation. BDSM is well known. It’s also definitely my experience that rougher sex is more popular amoung promiscuous women.
The world is rarely as simple as a page of myths about rape. We have to deal with the reality that some do like rape like sex, some don’t, and it can be hard to tell who is who without asking them.
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I think you’re completely misconstruing the definitions of rape and rough sex. While some women do like rougher sex, it’s completely overgeneralized that women want to be submissive, hurt, and humiliated when it comes to sex. Furthermore, they have to give CONSENT to their partner before performing any sexual act. Rape is defined as a person forcing another person to have sex against their will and penetrating them with a body part or object. No person in the world wants to be forced to have sex when they DON’T WANT TO. That’s disgusting.
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The myth is more about restraint than over-generalization. I think it’s definitely important to recognize, as you said, that not all rougher sex is linked to rape. The bigger issue in my opinion is how we work through a world that advertises primarily this form of sexual encounters for women, and give women the sexual freedom/satisfaction (whichever way she may like it) without taking any agency away from her.
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I think you pointed out some really great things here. Clearly, we are all different and all have different sexual preferences. But, in the media, most of the time women are portrayed in a sexually submissive role.. particularly in fashion ads like you’ve shown above. I think this type of reinforcement not only inaccurately portrays the reality of the situation, but also makes the male sexual role stereotyped and blurred as well. These types of adds came cause men to feel as though they should act dominant and controlling to be sexually adequate and satisfying.
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Wow beautifully said!!! Guys who think women like it rough is WHY so many guys are bad in bed!!!
BDSM is not love. The whole submissive/dominant exchange in bed is based on Ego and self loathing. The dominant says “worship me” prove to me that I’m powerful and the sub says beat me, hurt me because I hate myself. I cringe when guys think all women like it rough. For years I avoided sex and men because it was so unenjoyable. I even tried being a lesbian. Until I met man who was so gentle, romantic and loving in bed! That’s how I want it!!! That’s how it should be! That is Love!!!!
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You didn’t debunk anything. You stated your theory and provided reasons and examples that suggest your theory may be true but nothing concrete that proves it is for sure true. You just provided a plausible explanation—it is not the only one.
Also: pleasure and pain may be definite in meaning, but the way these phenomena are implemented vary. Anything that you desire will be motivated and accentuated with pleasure. Anything you don’t: the opposite. Pain can be desired by a person, intentionally, unintentionally, directly, indirectly. You may view power as attractive and so a man controlling you, overwhelming you, and yes–hurting you becomes pleasurable. You may view how violence really gets you in touch with your desire to live for a moment at a time: extreme thrill-seekers do this. Tempting fate. You may like the rebound effect of endorphins and the high you get after surviving a violent encounter. The pleasure would not bleed to the pain without getting rid of it at first, and it may even overtake the pain.
Furthermore:
http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/human-biology/brain-during-orgasm.htm
The brain will adjust–if women have for centuries evolved with sex being forced upon them, evolution has clearly made it possible for them to get off on it. This can be resisted if the reasons are there–but some people see no reason to: after all, if the guy isn’t breaking anything or killing them, a few scratch marks and soreness may not mean much at all compared to the pleasure.
I can tell you from experience, many women do in fact enjoy rough sex and will cheat on a guy who is not providing rough sex to them with one who will. Even raging feminist bitches will aggressively pursue bdsm and volunteer to be submissive. Polls still show an overwhelming number of women still have rape fantasies both those who have had sex, who have not had sex, who have actually been raped, and those who are against it.
That is why the commercials work. Because if it was so utterly ridiculous with no hint of desire in it: people would not buy into it. Commercialism is no jedi-mind-trick. If it “tricks” you into desiring it and it actually becomes pleasurable–it is now pleasurable.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/561877622.html
I’ve had real life experience with this subject both negatively, was a confirmation for me, then many times positively. Food for thought.
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I just came across this article while researching and am personally insulted. Kaycorbs444, your Opinions are your own and I respect that, but making sweeping generalizations about women is the opposite of enlightened feminist thinking.
I personally love rough sex. And I mean really rough. And my partner is incredibly loving and caring… Calling what we do akin to rape is incredibly wrong and insulting. I know from experience, having been raped myself.
“The truth is, however, that no one likes to experience pain, fear, degradation, or humiliation” – not the case in fact. Men and women alike can even crave this. And for some, pain intensifies pleasure and intensity. Just because you yourself don’t like it doesn’t mean nobody does. It’s like saying “I hate broccoli. Everyone else agrees with me, I’m sure.”
While I agree that media and pop culture do emphasize these “gender roles” of submissive femininity and powerful masculinity and it’s not always right, in fact occasionally quite wrong, I still can’t sign off on the related sweeping generalizations made in this article. It’s also terrible that you’ve made the add shown above out to be gang rape. While the add is a little creepy, deciding that obviously those men are going to force her into nonconsensual sex is a bit much, and makes me wonder if you’re more anti men than pro women. Being feminist is about not putting women into boxes, sexually, professionally, conventionally, or otherwise.
I respectfully request that you not speak for me and my rough sex having lesbian partner.
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