With the social constructions and societal roles in our patriarchal world, in what ways can these barriers be contorted? What is custom and reserved for males, can women too take on these conventions? To elaborate, when a person opens the door for others. Generally, this undertaking is reserved for males. But what if I open a door for a male? I do it all the time for older women and for my girlfriends, then why not for men? Or, what about picking a guy up to go out, instead of him picking me up? Believe me, some guys I’ve dated, it takes them a bit to get use to my perspectives in breaking gendered customs. Even though they know full well what side of the political spectrum I reside on. I believe in equality; equality will engender justice. And one of the many ways to render equality begins with, buying a man a beer.
Over the course of this last year while studying both in Washington, DC and at James Madison, I have gone on dates with several diverse types of men. Some men were liberal; some were conservative, some white, black, older, and younger. And, after investing time with each man- where these men would court me by taking me to dinner, to movies, to drinks, to concerts, etc.- I felt I wanted to reciprocate by taking them out. After all, they were generous, and lets be real, they spent a lot of money. I’ll tell you though, regardless of their ideological, racial, educational, or economic backgrounds, each one of them were caught off guard when I told them I was going to take them out next time. For instance, if I tell them I’d like to take them for beers, to the new film coming out they’ve been wanting to see, or to dinner, each guy’s eyes widen, and they proceed to squirm.
Various responses have included:
‘Really?… No I don’t think so, is this your new liberal age speaking?’
‘Wow! Well, this is a first.’
‘I knew you were liberal, but… hmmm, ok. This will be exciting.”
‘No, not happening. Why?’
After their responses, I proceeded to tell them that I want to do something nice for them. Now, don’t get dirty on me readers! I want to show these men that I respect them and that I appreciate not only them, but also their time.
However, in reflecting recently on the similarities between their responses, I gathered a slew of conclusions. First, for a majority of these men, I was the first girl out of many to ever ask them out. Second, these men’s uncomfortable reactions from my gestures not only stemmed from this being a first for them, but also that my gesture goes against the norm. Each man I interacted with knew his role; their role is to pick a woman up, take her on a date, pay for everything, and pray to God they get a little somethin’ somethin’ in the end of the night. Now, I’ve gotten dirty. Third, though my gesture may be new and uncomfortable to them, these guys actually thought it was pretty hot that a girl wants to take them out for a change. Just saying… Fourth, regardless if these men actually allowed me to take them out next time or not, once they heard my gesture, it relieved them. Not that they will discontinue their gentleman ‘duties,’ but they had a feeling of a relief from social customs’ weight.
With the different guys I’ve gone out on dates with, they’ve been very kind, generous, and caring, and I know it’s a lot for them, a lot of money and a lot of time. That’s why I buy them a beer. To say thanks, and that they too deserve to be taken out. And when some of these guys have allowed me take them out, they are always very appreciative.
ShoutOut! James Madison University 
Good Post! I liked that you tried this method out on several types of guys. I know this issue has come up before in my relationship. For my boyfriend and I, we kind of made up our own rules with “dating.” Since we live together, we split most of our everyday expenses down the middle and we pay for our individual things separately. But, we also try to have a date night once a week where he will usually pay. This is not to say that I think men should always pay for dates. For us, it works out well because a scheduled date night gives us something to look forward to. Sometimes, I will pay but most of the time, I like to do other surprises for him. So, I think date-like expenses even out in the end. They might be a little slanted, but I think other factors influence that. I think it is interesting to not only look at the dynamics of early stages of dating, but also long-term relationships, specifically, how different couples work out their own strategies for “dating equality.” My boyfriend and I read an interesting book recently called, “How to Love Me.” It’s a series of mini quizzes designed not to learn about gender differences, but about each partner’s worldviews, quirks, etc., and how they may interact with a relationship. It not only talks about financial issues, but also religion, etc. I think it’s a really cool way to see where each person is coming from in a playful, less serious type of way.
LikeLike
Oh, exactly! There is a different between when first going out on dates and when you have been in a long-term relationship, especially when you are living together! In the beginning, does he only pay, when can I treat him? And then on the back end, how can I treat him, by taking him out, getting him a gift, or bringing him home a surprise, etc. etc. Because sharing the costs is signficant in a relationship, especially the ‘non-essentials’ costs, where you treat your significant other to something. It’d be great to maybe hear your perspective of being in a long term relationship AND living with someone on the blog some day. Seeing as many of us in college have not experienced this yet. What do you think?!
LikeLike