Gendered Name Calling and the Solace I Found in Feminism

Words like sissy, pansy, crybaby, wimp, and wuss are just a few of the words (and some of the nicer choices) we commonly see used when a boy or a man acts inappropriately. What I mean is, they’re words we use when a man acts ‘like a girl.’ Words like sissy tell young boys that showing emotion is something girls do, and they tell boys that being a girl is the worst thing you could be. When parents, I’m looking at both of you mom and dad, talk to their sons like this, they’re implanting the idea that these so-called feminine traits are something to be avoided. That women are inferior to men, and acting like a woman makes a man weak. These subtle suggestions manifest in ways that hurt both men and women; women and femininity are denigrated and viewed by men with contempt. Men are crippled emotionally; engrained with the ideal masculinity, they are afraid to feel, think or do things that other men believe to be feminine.

Because we, as a society, consistently describe boys with feminine terms when we criticize their behavior, we teach them that feminine behavior is wrong. We implant the idea that if they are acting like a girl, they are acting incorrectly. This suggests to boys, and girls, that masculine behavior is superior to feminine behavior. As a result, boys grow into men who think that they are inherently better because they are men. They view their behavior as superior to the behavior of women. This sense of superiority results in both the physical and emotional abuse that men exact on women. I’d like to draw more attention to the emotional side of abuse, specifically to the act of gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which the perpetrator calls the emotions of the victim into question. When a man calls a woman crazy or tells her to calm down, he is telling her that her reaction is unwarranted. This tells her that she is incorrect for feeling the way she does, it calls every opinion or idea she has into question and renders her helpless in the situation. The practice draws power from the notion that masculinity is superior to femininity, that men and the manly things they do are desirable and that being girly is for sissies and wimps.

(For an amazing article from another male author on gaslighting, visit here.)

Gaslighting and other forms of abuse are part of how gendered name calling affects women, but it negatively affects men as well. It wasn’t until I found feminism that really felt free from my assigned gender role, and I hope other men can find the same liberation as I have. Because we’re brought up to think that expressing emotion is girly, and, therefore, bad, we are forced to repress how we feel. I felt this intensely, and still do as an adult. The most distinct memory I have of this stultification is when my closest friend’s younger sister passed away in a traffic accident. She was 16, and I was a Sophomore at JMU. I can still remember standing next to her casket during her wake, not wanting to show even the slightest hint of being sad. I smiled through the whole day. The next day I walked with her family during the funeral service, and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I lost control, but in the midst of what should have been grieving, I felt ashamed. I was embarrassed that so many people could see how I felt. It was all I could think about until finally I composed myself again. Instead of grieving, I was too busy trying to ‘act like a man.’

It wasn’t until I discovered feminism that I realized I could be a man and a feminist, that I found myself free to feel how I want, to act how I want. I wasn’t trapped in this artificial box of what it is to be a man. (The “Man Box,” a video from a father who tries to avoid putting his own son and daughter into gender roles.) While I’d like the idea of any emotion or activity being called masculine or feminine to go away, I think we can at least start by making an effort to stop using feminine insults to attack behavior and push back the forces that denigrate women every day. We, as men, have a stake in all of this as well; with the liberation of women, we find ourselves liberated as well.