The Bitchin’ Table: Valentine’s Day Blues

Hello, readers, and welcome to this special (almost) holiday edition of The Bitchin’ Table. Today I’m bitchin’ around with my good friend and blog extraordinaire Lauranium to discuss everyone’s favorite semi-holiday, Valentine’s Day. After all, what other day of the year do you feel so much unnecessary pressure to prove your love to your significant other?

Lauranium: Hey BlondeRedhead, what’s with all the yarn?

BlondeRedhead: Oh, hi Lauranium. I’m just stocking up. Monday’s Valentine’s Day, so I figured I could just knit some sweaters for the cats.

Lauranium: But, you don’t have any cats…

BlondeRedhead: Not yet I don’t. I’m preparing for the future, Lauranium. If Valentine’s Day commercials and celebrations have taught me anything, it’s that I’m nothing without a date on February 14th, so I might as well throw in the towel now and start preparing for my life as a spinster. SEND IN THE CATS!

Lauranium: Ohhh god, that sounds awful. But it can’t be worse than my situation. I’ve seen those commercials too and I’m determined to get a diamond from my boyfriend this year. It’s the only way I’ll know I’m loved.

BlondeRedhead: Oh man, I can’t imagine that kind of pressure! His love may be temporary, but diamonds are forever! What if he doesn’t pull through for you?

Lauranium: HIS LOVE COULD NEVER BE TEMPORARY. How could you say such a thing!? If he doesn’t pull through then we’re through. Valentine’s Day is the one time of the year that he can truly express how he feels and he better express it with a goddamn diamond.

BlondeRedhead: Don’t worry. Like all good men, I’m sure he’s been preparing for this day since the Valentine’s memorabilia went up in Walmart the day after Christmas. As a single lady, I know that when I walk down that mile-long red-and-pink aisle I can’t help but hear the haunting cries of cats and broken dreams. I can only hope that one day I, too, will have someone try to buy my love with cheap stuffed animals and heart-shaped jewelry.

Lauranium: One day you will, BlondeRedhead. I promise, there’s hope for you and your cats. You’ll find a man who will buy you all the cheesy Valentine’s Day stuff your wee heart desires. I only hope my man can live up to my expectations and do the same. It’s diamonds and pink puppy stuffed animals or bust.

BlondeRedhead: Yeah! …But wait, isn’t Boyfriend a pretty sweet guy on a regular basis? Don’t you guys take each other out to movies and dinners and shows just because? Why is Valentine’s Day different?

Lauranium: Yeah, for realsies. We really don’t need Valentine’s day to know that we love each other. It sucks that commercials and other social pressures make us feel like we need to go above and beyond for one day of the year. AND WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE PINK!

BlondeRedhead: Because you’re a woman and you, like all of us, trip balls over pink. Sometimes I get this crazy notion that, despite the long history of Valentine’s Day, corporations might be using it as an excuse to make you spend your money and shit you don’t actually need. After all, even though you’re against V-Day pressures, you’d still feel bad if Boyfriend didn’t get you anything.

Lauranium: EXACTLY. AND, even though I really do despise this holiday, I will end up buying something for Boyfriend because if I don’t, it would be terrible! It puts everyone in such an awkward position. If you’re with someone, you’re consumed with making sure you buy your boyfriend or girlfriend the most perfect, and more importantly the most adequate gift. And if you’re not with someone, it makes you feel like you should be so you can be worrying about the same thing. BLASPHEMY!

BlondeRedhead: What a catch-22 we find ourselves in! And let’s not forget about the rampant hetero-normativity of the holiday.Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a day to lavish gifts on your significant other and publicly shove your love down other peoples’ throats…unless your significant other is the same sex as you. Let’s see a Kay Jewelers commercial where a woman is giving a tacky heart necklace to another woman.

Lauranium: TRUF. Or one where a man is giving some sort of ugly gift to another man. Because things like that don’t happen in our society, clearly. Hm. I think I’ve been enough of a bitter ol’ biddie for one day. Valentine’s Day, I will continue to hate you, but I will also continue to celebrate you, you tricky, tricky bastard.

BlondeRedhead: And I will continue to knit sweaters for the hundreds of cats I will one day own.