The immediacy with which most people feel uncomfortable when a woman expresses anger is almost laughable. A man can slam a door and most people will think nothing of it, but if a woman were to increase her voice by just one notch, suddenly the all contacts are looking at her as if she has just blown up the entire place! It’s amazing how predictable it is.
The reason for this is that anger is a fundamental emotion for all human beings, but women have learned from an early age to manage their anger as if it were some sort of embarrassing secret. Socially, the advice we receive as children is to be polite, patient and understanding and to “be the better person.” (In other words, don’t ever exhibit anger!) Meanwhile, boys can act like fools and not be judged at all because they “will be boys”. On the other hand, girls have to behave like lady-like ladies, and are expected to be calm, friendly and pleasant.
While it may seem that as we age this issue will go away, the subtleties are much more pronounced than they were when you were younger. At work, you can encounter feelings such as frustration with customer service representatives, and have your needs minimized by people telling you to smile when you are being disrespected. In your personal relationships you might find your boundaries being tested and if you say no, you get called ‘dramatic.’ When we are at work there are expectations on how we should act, for example when a male leader delivers frank, direct or blunt messages it is seen as acceptable, yet if you do the same, you are labelled as ‘difficult.’ These behaviours reinforce the notion that female anger is harmful, even though it is not actually harmful but it disrupts the stereotype of how females are expected to conduct themselves in the workplace.
On top of it all, anger is often misrepresented. For example, if when women state “I did not like that” in a calm or reasonable manner and the conversation goes to a place where someone responds to them by saying “calm down” or “you are overreacting” it no longer becomes about the original issue, instead it is all about the woman’s tone of voice. It seems as if people utilize this tactic in order to avoid giving females the credit they deserve. In other words, once they are able to convince the female that she is being “over-the-top,” it is easier for them to disregard her concerns as valid and real.
Here is the reality: we use the anger we feel to communicate certain messages about fairness, lack of respect, wrongdoing, and line crossing—in effect, what true experiences we are having. When they are prevented from voicing their anger, women are prevented from standing up for themselves. The most upsetting aspect of this for me is that many women suffer. There is nothing “wrong” with feeling angry when something has happened to you. There is nothing “wrong” with voicing your judgment (no, stop) or voicing your hurt (you have hurt me). There is nothing “wrong” with having to repress your feelings to maintain harmony. The issue is not the anger itself; it is how people respond to anger.
Reclaiming anger doesn’t mean yelling at everyone. It means letting yourself feel what you feel without apologizing for it. It means recognizing that your boundaries matter. It means understanding that your voice isn’t a threat — it’s a tool.
And if that makes someone uncomfortable? Maybe they should ask themselves why a woman having emotions is so scary to them.