I was sitting at a dinner table in Dublin with newfound friends from my study abroad program. We were drinking ciders and beers, going around the table and talking about our first times. Half of them were clumsy and laughable, the other half endearing and sweet. By the time it was my turn to share, I answered that I had nothing to say. “You have to. Everyone else did,” one guy in the group persisted. “I don’t think you get it,” I said. “I’ve never had sex. I have nothing to share.”
Others at the table berated him for being so pushy, saying that whether I had sex or not, he had no right to put me in that position. To me, virginity has always been a complex, nuanced idea. Virginity is often seen as a milestone to becoming adult, and once it’s gone, friends buy you a cake that says “VIRGIN” with a big red X over it and congratulate you, saying you’re finally a “man” or “woman.” It’s seen as embarrassing if you graduate high school and still have it. It’s almost like, to society, it’s better that you have sex in a way you regret (because it’s cool, and at least you have a story to tell) than to keep it and wait until you feel comfortable.
I’ve always had different definitions of sex, especially as someone who was in a long-term relationship with a transgender man. In that relationship, sex was fluid. Virginity was a construct. Losing one’s virginity is typically viewed through the heteronormative lens of penetrative sex, reinforcing the problematic expectation of relationships and sex being with two cisgender, straight individuals. Is it to say that I didn’t lose my virginity in my relationship because it doesn’t align with the cisgender, straight lens that we often view virginity and sex in? What about those women who don’t have vaginas? Those who cannot have sex in the “traditional” way that society has coined as “normal” and typical”? I think about my answer in Dublin now, realizing that I subconsciously conformed to a norm that I have long critiqued. I answered that I didn’t have sex, even though in that relationship, I did. Sex is not one-size-fits-all and virginity is not confined to one definition.
Virginity has also long been used to measure a woman’s worth. “Purity culture” has become a rampant epidemic in society, one notable example being the “virginity testing” conducted in South Africa – a test that only exists for biological women. In these tests, the woman or girl would lie down and spread her legs open with someone examining to see if the hymen was still intact or if their vaginal opening was enlarged. In one instance, after a father discovered that his daughter was no longer a virgin, he disowned her (“What Is the Truth about Virginity Testing”). For women, their goodness is defined by whether or not they’re a virgin. This testing conducted is flawed, and throughout them, women are stripped of their autonomy. Some women are born without a hymen. Some become torn due to activity. No one can guarantee that they are with or without their virginity by one largely invasive “test.”
Another widely believed stance regarding virginity is that if a woman is without it at a certain age, she’s now “easy,” “ran through,” or a “slut.” Meanwhile, these terms aren’t used for men like they are for women. If a woman has sex and enjoys it, society seems to make them feel ashamed for this, as if pleasure is a feeling exclusive for men. Women, on the other hand, should feel shameful. Women have been conditioned to believe that they must be good and pure – adjectives that aren’t associated with sex.
Society has long created an expectation that sex and virginity are simple concepts with agreeable definitions, but that’s far from the truth. Sex isn’t condensed into a singular lens, and virginity isn’t something that strips a person of their value. Define sex in a way that make the most sense to you.
Works Cited
“What Is the Truth about Virginity Testing.” Soul City Institute for Social Justice, 2023, http://www.soulcity.org.za/news-events/what-is-the-truth-about-virginity-testing. Accessed 23 Feb. 2026.
I want to say that I love how real you are and brought personal experience to your post! The Dublin story really stuck with me. I also have felt like there is a lot of pressure to have a “first time” story and I have seen those X virgin cakes all over TikTok. I also thought it was interesting how you realized you answered in a way that fit the norm, even though you don’t agree.
I LOVED this piece. I enjoyed how open and straightforward you were with your thoughts; it was thoroughly refreshing.