Have you heard of the term “pick-me girl”? It is defined by Urban Dictionary as “a girl who seeks male validation by indirectly or directly insinuating that she is ‘not like the other girls’”. Even if this is the first time you’ve heard the term, chances are you have encountered some pick-me characteristics.
Where did the term come from
The hashtag #tweetlikeapickme gained traction on Twitter in 2016. Soon after POV videos depicting pick me girls started flooding TikTok, with the hashtag #pickme having over 500k videos on the platform.
The phrase can be traced back to a monologue from a 2005 episode of Greys Anatomy, where the main character Meredith begs her love interest Derek to choose her over his wife.
Ironically enough actress Ellen Pompeo who played Meredith in this scene has since stated in a 2021 episode of her podcast that this scene horrified her and she didn’t want to “beg a man” to love her on TV.
who are these “pick-me girls”
I want to lead by saying while I am going to use the term pick-me girl frequently throughout this piece, I wholeheartedly believe that we should not call women by this phrase. The irony of using the phrase to describe other women is that by doing so you are effectively trying to bring those women down, making the user of the phrase fulfill the very characteristics that make up a pick-me girl. That being said, I do think we need to call each other out on our pick-me behaviors.
A main characteristic of being a pick-me girl is that they modify their behavior to seek out male attention. This can be anything from changing your clothes, hair, language use, interests, values, opinions, and hobbies which can ultimately be emotionally and financially draining. A prime example of this in season 2 of Euphoria, where Cassie dresses like Nate’s ex-girlfriend Maddie to get his attention.
There is also an element of bringing down other women in order to make the pick-me girl appear superior. A pick-me girl might say something like “I like sports because girly stuff is boring” or “I don’t wear makeup because I think it looks bad on others”.
it’s not just girls
While the term pick me tends to target women, within every single marginalized community there exists members who insist that they aren’t like the other members of their community to be more palatable for acceptance from a dominant group.
Advocating for interests that do not align with your own is often more persuasive, which is how dominant interests benefit from pick-me attitudes.
it’s nothing new
Respectability Politics refers to the internal movement of marginalized communities abandoning the “frowned-upon” aspects of their community and assimilating to aspects of a dominant community, or gatekeepers, to better their chances at achieving social change. Respectability Politics played a huge role in the early 20th-century women’s suffrage. The National American Woman Suffrage Association (NAWSA) believed that to have influential politicians back their cause they would have to make sure the women representing the movement fit the image of what these politicians would consider respectable. This meant the movement advocated for the social advancement of the white and upper class at the expense of excluding women of color and low socioeconomic status. Respectability Politics were utilized similarly during post-slavery movements to advance the interests of Black men over Black women.
Pick-me girls are a modern representation of respectability politics, as these kinds of people are willing to assimilate to patriarchal culture and put down others who aren’t willing to put themselves ahead.
picking on pick me girls
The pick-me girl trend is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, exhibiting pick-me behaviors is harmful because it advances the interests of patriarchal forces while simultaneously bringing other women down. On the other hand, mimicking the women who come off as being a bit pick-me just causes more internal conflict within the feminine community. I do think women have a duty to each other to call each other out on behaviors that might be harmful towards other women, but not through mocking each other on the internet. In order to facilitate real progress against pick-me behavior we first have to understand where the behavior is coming from, who it harms, and why.
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