Life Without Medication: Journey Through Mental Health and Self-Discovery

In the summer before fourth grade, I went to a summer camp where I contracted a serious
case of Lyme Disease. At this time, Lymes was not a very researched disease and there was not
much to be known about its symptoms or its effects. I lived with it for 2 months before they
finally figured out what was the matter with me. I don’t remember anything from this point in my life because I ended up experiencing extreme psychosis that could probably be categorized as borderline schizophrenic. If treated quickly, it is not that serious, but because I lived with it for so long, it left a lasting effect on my brain. Luckily, it’s curable so once they diagnosed me it was gone within a few weeks. However, my psyche has not recovered to this day. I went to a psychiatrist before I started the fourth grade and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety along with a mild form of a panic disorder. I went to therapy and eventually, I began taking SSRIs. I cannot remember a time where I was not on antidepressants. It has been my life since I started coming into my own. Now that I am older and understand more
about antidepressants, I sort of have a love hate relationship with them, as most people do. When I got to highschool and had free internet access, I really started to grasp the facts of what I was putting into my body. I would spend hours upon hours on reddit pages seeing if anyone had similar concerns. I would experiment going off of them without my mom’s knowledge just to see what would happen. When I was in high school I had this rebellious notion that I didn’t want drugs controlling my body and how I lived. I thought I was stronger than them. I was not. Going off a medication like this in your formative years is so incredibly detrimental and I seriously do not recommend it. But I often wondered and still do how I would be if my mom never had me start this stuff. I’m sure I would be a hot mess. Since semester one of freshman year of high college here, I have not stopped taking my
medication at any point. I have been consistent other than those days where I would forget or was out and couldn’t make time to get a refill. The point of this is to say that now as a junior in
college, I am off my medication. I made the choice to stop at the beginning of this semester for a few reasons. One thing about anti depressants is that they can make you pretty much emotionless. The goal is that you don’t feel so sad that you want to die and while they do that, they also cause you to not be able to feel intense joy or happiness. You are just in the middle. That in it of itself can be a very isolating feeling. So that was one reason why I decided to do this. Another reason is and I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but SSRIs destroy any and all sex drive. It’s one of the most common symptoms people talk about. Basically I wanted to feel things. I wanted to have hobbies and new experiences again which is another thing that I lost interest in over the past few years. So how has it been going for me? I am happy to report that I am feeling pretty awesome. Before I go further, I am absolutely not recommending that people reading this who are on antidepressants just stop taking them. I’m taking an enormous risk doing this and it goes against all medical research which advises you to please not quit cold turkey. Nonetheless I did it. I am very aware of the risks and I am monitoring myself closely. I have made a pact that at the slightest hint of a suicidal thought, Im going to start popping my pills again, so dont worry. Anyways, back to the results of my very dangerous personal experiment. I have noticed a few things. My creativity has certainly blossomed. I enjoy things more like reading and writing. I feel like a person and not just a being traveling through this timeline. I cry. I sob even. I do experience bouts of depression here and there but nothing I would consider concerning. I am discovering myself sexually more than I ever have before at 20 years old. I am learning how to navigate my strong emotions in a way that isn’t impulsive or manic. I make mistakes and I recognize them. This is not to say that my life was hell when I was taking my meds. Not even close, but I am feeling more. That is what I wanted. I’m not sure if this is a temporary or permanent life decision, but I do feel like right now this is working for me.