Silenced by Social Anxiety

I grew up a very social kid. My parents liked to joke that anytime I went to the playground, I came back with at least one “best friend”. All of elementary school and the majority of middle school, I never had a shortage of friends, and definitely never a shortage of words. I pretty much felt like a celebrity walking through the halls. Then I changed schools in 8th grade. 

Once I moved, I tried my best to make friends, but something in me had changed. I would sit with the same people in class or at lunch, but it always felt like I was an outsider just watching everyone else. Half the time I didn’t even speak, which is almost unheard of for me. I had so many things I wanted to say, but it was like I was physically unable to get anything out. I had never been a shy kid before, so I had no idea what was happening to me. 

A few more years went on and things started to change in me significantly. I suddenly couldn’t talk in large groups or in front of cameras. Hell, I couldn’t even call to order pizza over the phone. I was no longer the super outgoing, make a best friend everywhere I go, type of kid. 

At the end of my sophomore year in high school, my parents decided to move to Virginia. Luckily, I only went to in-person public school for half the year due to covid, but every day for those 6 months, I was absolutely miserable. During lunch periods, I sat with my boyfriend (now ex), or I sat in the library alone and prayed nobody saw me. I rarely spoke during classes unless it was to the one or two people I felt comfortable speaking to. 

Coming into college, things only worsened. Not only did I struggle meeting new people, but I suddenly struggled doing every day activities. Anytime I was forced to speak in class, I’d get an alert on my apple watch saying my heart rate rose above 120. I would sit in my room and think for hours about the possibility of walking around campus and someone judging me, or randomly being called on in class. I would psych myself out so bad that I couldn’t get myself to go to class, and instead would sit in my dark dorm room and bawl my eyes out. 

After a few months of almost destroying my grades and my sanity, I decided to start therapy. This was when I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. 

A lot of people think social anxiety is just being afraid to speak in front of a large crowd or is something you can just ignore, but it goes so much deeper than that. “Social anxiety disorder is a common type of anxiety disorder. A person with social anxiety disorder feels symptoms of anxiety or fear in situations where they may be scrutinized, evaluated, or judged by others, such as speaking in public, meeting new people, dating, being on a job interview, answering a question in class, or having to talk to a cashier in a store.”

For me, I mainly overthink every little potential interaction I may have. I plan out every conversation in my head before I have it with a person. If I want to speak in class, I have to go through what I’m going to say at least 10 times so I feel confident enough to raise my hand. I struggle being involved in anything that draws too much attention to myself because I’m so afraid of people staring at me. 

Walking through campus from my pov is similar to a scene in a movie where you think you can hear everyone’s thoughts out loud, except they are all negative thoughts directed towards me. 

I’m sure some people will read this and think it’s silly and all just in my head. That it’s just something I’ll grow out of, or a situation where I “just need to stop worrying what other people think of me”, but it’s so much bigger than that. Social anxiety isn’t something that can just go away. Instead, it’s something to work on and gain enough confidence to manage. 

I definitely have much more work to do on mine, but I’ve come a long way. I do my best to make it to most classes despite my worries, and every once in a while I even raise my hand. Most importantly, I can call to order pizza on the phone. Talking to new people is definitely a work in progress, but we’ll get there. 

As a takeaway, I’d like to offer some things that help me with my social anxiety. 

1. In large groups, find one person to talk to and focus on and build from there. This lessens the large amount of people to just one.
2. Have something to fidget with. I personally think the little pop it toys are fun.
3. Start with counting the corners of the room, and then find something else to count. This helps give you something to focus on. 
4. If you struggle speaking in class, try starting in smaller classes that you feel more comfortable in. These are much easier than large lectures. 

If you don’t struggle with social anxiety, please be mindful of the people around you who might struggle with this issue. Pushing someone too far out of their comfort zone when they struggle with something as deep as social anxiety may only make it worse. All it takes is some patience.