Let’s talk about grief in college… again

Let’s talk about how to support someone who is grieving in college. We established in the first post, that grief is a super messy thing. Grief shakes our world in a way that is hard to express and even understand ourselves. But the experience of grief itself is really common. It feels safe to say that everyone will experience grief in their lives at some point. It is also safe to say that people around us will experience grief, if they haven’t already. So what can we do to care for people in our lives who are grieving? 

Let’s establish two things first, everyone grieves differently and there is no right way to grieve.

That being said, a good first step in helping a grieving person is to listen. Listen to what they need, but also just listen to whatever they want to say. It is easy in this situation to give them what you think they need. To make them laugh or make them talk about sad stuff, and that can be helpful! But… make sure the grieving person is leading the conversation. This also means that sometimes they want silence, and that has to be ok. It might be awkward and every bone in your body may feel uncomfortable, but, your presence in that space with them is enough. 

That is the next point I want to make. Just show up for grieving people. Most of the time, that alone is enough. To acknowledge what they are going through and be there. The power of a “hey, thinking about you” text is incomparable. Texts like that can validate emotions without mentioning emotions at all! It says, “Hey I am here, but I have no expectations of how you need to act or respond, and I love you” It’s powerful. Show up in person with food and flowers. Get their favorite coffee or take a walk with them. I would also say, show up for a while. There is often an influx of care for grieving people in the first two weeks after loved ones die. But then the care fades, and the grief increases. 

The last thing I want to mention is to have no expectations. Go into conversations with grieving people not expecting any specific emotion, behavior, or timeline. You can have the best intentions and still not be helpful to a grieving person when you assume things. So it all circles back to listening. 

Show up with no expectations and listen. 

I’ve experienced grief in college and my community showed up, with no expectations, and listened. When I found out that my loved one died I didn’t immediately cry, maybe I did, but I don’t remember. I do remember coming home and sitting on my porch with my friend sending emails to my professors, laughing so hard with her because I couldn’t figure out the subject line! This friend went above and beyond and traveled home with me for the funeral, she really showed up for me. Be that kinda friend if you can be. When I came back to school I received dozens of the most healing hugs, no words, just hugs. I had flowers from a friend waiting for me and cards from a few others. I felt seen and validated. I am sure people said things to me to help, but I don’t remember what they said, I just remember that they showed up. 

So I encourage you to be a friend who shows up.

Show up. With no expectations. And listen.