A Dancer’s Relationship With A Mirror

I put on my leotard and tights, grab my ballet shoes, and head out the door. This was my routine every weeknight for years upon years. Upon my arrival at the dance studio, I was greeted by friends and additionally, I was prompted to place my items in my designated cubby.

Walking into the studio room I was greeted by my reflection. There she was all this time for years on end. But somehow the reflection was always changing. Some days I felt confident and others I wanted to throw a curtain over the mirror so I did not have to look at myself.

A dancer’s relationship with a mirror can cause so many negative effects on one’s life. For me, it not only affected the way I perceive my body and my looks but, also the way I overanalyze myself 24/7. I sat there and analyzed my every single move. It was due to this habit that I believe that I overanalyze everything I have ever done every single day since I first stepped in front of that mirror. I am a chronic overthinker and perfectionist, one would say. While no one has ever expected me to be, I feel the need to be on it at all times. I was not getting pressure from my parents, friends, teachers, and family. Instead, this pressure simply came from within. I truly believe this is due to the hours, days, weeks, and months I spent staring at myself in the mirror.

My body has never looked the same since I stepped in front of that mirror. Keep your tummy tucked in, your head held high, and your arms perfect, they would say. This was the nature of the art of dance but, it did not help that I had to look at myself in the mirror while doing so. Always watching myself and of course, comparing to what others looked like. And I know I was not the only one. No dancer will ever look at their body the same. We are either too short, too skinny, or not skinny but not large either. Why is it that something as beautiful as dance is, can make a person feel so terrible about themselves?

You would never even know that I had these thoughts just by looking at me. Of course, I got out there on that stage time and time again with a smile on my face, putting on a show as if the confidence was seeping out of my pores. But, as fellow dancers know that was almost never true.

My relationship with mirrors has never been the same. While my dancing career is long gone I find that this part of my life still follows me and I think it will continue to do so for the rest of my life. The only difference is that now I believe I have a better understanding of who I am and that I am not just that girl in the mirror. I try not to overthink or overanalyze as some things are simply out of my control. I learned that I do not have to be perfect 24/7. And most of all my body is the only one I will get in this lifetime and it is beautiful and capable of amazing things.

And while my relationship with mirrors is forever tainted I am working every single day to heal that little girl. The little girl that stepped in front of the mirror for years. That little girl who did not know how much the mirror would change her.