One day you are living the normal college life, going to class, hanging out with friends, working, keeping up with endless social activities and responsibilities. The next day, your world shatters. You get a phone call and maybe you freeze, maybe you scream, maybe you cry. But before you can begin to grieve, classes continue, your boss puts you on the schedule, there are still club meetings, laundry, dishes, friends’ birthdays, and you are expected to do it all. Your world stops, but the rest of the world keeps turning.
In October 2023 someone who means more to me than I could ever express died. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in August and died in October. I was in class when I got the call that she passed. I left the class but was immediately anxious about what I was going to miss. I walked home and the first thing I did was sit on my porch with tears streaming down my face and email my professors telling them I couldn’t come to class. I spent the next couple of weeks driving back and forth between home and school attempting to balance it all. But I felt lost. There is no protocol about how much time you take off, what you can miss, or what would put you too far behind.
Loss isn’t talked about in college, but it is a common experience. 37 to 44% of students experience loss in their first two years of college. Some parents are getting old, some friends die tragically, and some family members don’t make it. It’s messy and overwhelming. Sad and confusing. People we walk past daily are carrying an unexplainable heaviness. Maybe you are carrying that weight. It feels lonely, but let me reassure you that you are not alone. In my experience, it felt like I was the only one experiencing those feelings. I am an out-of-state student so it felt like I was on my own little sad island away from my family and the space my loved one occupied. Grief for me is like a steady lull in my bones or a cloud that looms over you. Like that thundercloud in Mario Kart. That strikes you with lightning and makes you feel really small. Grief is unexpected and it sucks!
The one thing that has kept me going as I experience grief is community. You need people to be there to pick you up or sit with you on the ground when you can’t get up. You need people who will hold you while you cry and try to make you laugh. Friends who will bring you food and write you notes. Leaning on people is not a strong suit of mine, I’m actually quite terrible at it. But in a place of desperation, people want to love you, so let them. They appreciate being able to support you and because life is rough sometimes, there is a good chance you will be able to return the favor one day. If you do not have a good community I encourage you to reach out to those around you, I believe they will be more willing to help than you think.
The next thing that was necessary for me was to prioritize my needs. At any given moment you need a million different things, but know that the world will not stop if you need to take time off. Your laundry or that assignment can wait. There is no rulebook for how to do this, but prioritizing your mental and physical health over anything else will always be the correct choice.
In summary, if you’re grieving in college, or in general:
- Know that you are not alone
- Lean on community and friends: people here love you and want to love you well
- Your responsibilities will get done, prioritize your mental and physical health over classes and work
- Know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Professional help is also a great resource! The JMU Counseling Center has 24/7 crisis services as well as walk-in appointments M-F 10 am-3 pm.
Know that you are loved, seen, cherished, and not alone!
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