“C’mon, smile for me”

Working in the restaurant industry, I’ve heard this statement countless times while greeting tables or just simply minding my own business. When a man tells me to smile for them, I feel as though they feel entitled to make me smile for their own entertainment, like an object. But if I counter this statement with a frown, I am seen as no fun or unkind. 

To preface, I consider myself to be outgoing and charismatic, but it is difficult to smile at all times, especially in the service industry. You can get easily bombarded with tables and juggling different orders, which for me, makes the expression on my face the least of my worries. With this being said, I am not walking around looking unapproachable, instead, I look focused and in the zone.

So why do men continue to feel the need to comment on my expression and appearance? Do the same men who are expecting me to smile for them ask other men to do the same? My guess is no. 

Sometimes I feel that if I smile per a man’s request it is an invitation for them to pay more attention to other aspects of my appearance or myself in general and that makes me feel uncomfortable. For me, sometimes smiling has even provoked some men to start an unwanted conversation with me regarding something I’m wearing or sometimes personal information such as where I live. I’ve had an individual go so far as to complain to my manager when I didn’t engage with him after he was talking about me in an inappropriate manner at his table. What did he expect me to do, waltz back over there with open arms? 

Many women I know who also work in the service industry find it difficult to remain unbothered by comments like this. Recently, I had a conversation with a few of my roommates who have all had experiences like mine, having felt objectified by a comment regarding their appearance. One of my roommates felt as though asking a woman to smile or commenting on the way they look, in general, is an “Unnecessary display of power and dominance”. She also mentioned that she wished she knew how to, “Combat the situation without escalating it” because she didn’t want her income to be under threat, as it is based mostly on tips. I have had the same concern while working and I think it’s unfortunate that many woman struggle with the idea that their lack of receptiveness to an inappropriate comment could jeopardize their income.

Concluding thoughts

We are conditioned to believe that women must be warm and approachable individuals, but approachability can be mistaken as a vulnerability. Although I personally do not tolerate outdated standards of femininity being forced upon me, I often find myself too exhausted to deal with the person commenting on my demeanor. I am a very secure person and am not easily affected by the words of others. By remaining unbothered I view myself as strong, but with this comes the understanding that I may seem submissive in the eyes of a man by not speaking up. It should not be my job to educate individuals who are stereotyping me in my place of work, however I understand that it may be necessary. A person should take it upon themselves to understand that women are not here to make you feel more comfortable by changing their appearance or demeonour.

I think this behavior warrants an even bigger discussion regarding how comments such as telling a woman to smile can impact their quality of work and overall experience in their work environment. Men should not assume that working women cater to the male gaze. Chances are, a woman’s lack of smile, especially while busy at work has nothing to do with you so don’t comment on it. Due to institutionalized misogyny, this microaggression is still prominent in the service industry as well as a part of many women’s day-to-day lives. Women need to feel empowered in their place of work, not questioned or objectified. We as a society must combat this behavior through education to instill respect and boundaries in our day-to-day interactions, reducing the opportunity for internalized misogyny to hold precedence. 

For more information read: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/its-important-for-men-to-stop-telling-women-to-smile_b_9655246