The thought of relationships has always excited me, but for a long time seemed out of reach. College has an overwhelming amount of potential love interests, and it’s important to understand what you’re getting yourself into prior to commitment. These are some things I had to learn the hard way while navigating a relationship in college.
- The Three Month Rule
The Three Month Rule has been around for years, in simple terms, it describes how, in some cases, three months into dating you are able to get a better sense of your partner. Sameera Sullivan states in the article published on Her Campus, “After three months of dating, you and your partner have gotten to know each other better. As a result, you’re more inclined to lower your guard, express your emotions, and be candid about important issues.” While this may be true for some couples, it is important to note that every relationship is different. The idea behind this theory is that once a couple passes the ‘honeymoon phase’ of infatuation, then they are able to enhance their understanding of their partner. The key component to take away from this is that it takes time to get to know someone on an intimate level. It is important to refrain from rushing into a relationship before getting to really know someone.
2. Trust Trust Trust
Let me tell you, trust is one of the most important things to have in a relationship. Nobody wants to be at home on a Friday night worrying about what their partner might be doing. Nobody should have to feel like that. In my opinion, trust is a pattern. Rachel Eva Dew explains that “Trust flows inside-out and outside-in. This means that an individual must both be trustworthy in their outward behavior and also work on their inner trust issues and patterns”. In the beginning of the relationship, each partner should start with a clean slate. As the relationship develops, its important to communicate any areas of distrust, and to address them openly and respectfully. Trust issues from previous friendships or relationship should be left in the past to avoid self-sabotaging behavior. Dew also states, “Building trust takes time and also seeing the person exhibiting consistent reliable behavior. Doing things that require partnership and collaboration can breed trust.” Trust goes hand-in-hand with honesty and respect. It is essential to tell your partner the truth, and to respect them enough to do so.
To read more on building trust in relationships, click here
3. Setting Boundaries
Going into a relationship without setting boundaries is like building a house with no foundation, it might seem stable at first, but one bad storm will knock it all down. It is important to understand yourself and what you deem acceptable in a relationship. Each partner should write down a list of their boundaries, taking note of what their dealbreakers are, and which ones are able to be worked through. Once these have been established, it is important for each partner to communicate and respect the boundaries which have been set. This helps build a stable foundation for the relationship to grow, and helps prevent miscommunication. Sheldon Reid explains in her article, Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships, that “Learning how to set and maintain boundaries can change many aspects of your life, ranging from work to family relations to dating. It all starts with understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.” She examines categories of boundaries including physical, sexual, emotional, financial, and time boundaries. It is important to use boundaries in a healthy way, and not to control your partner. As the relationship changes, boundaries can shift. Communication is key to navigating these shifts to understand what is no longer working and to address new concerns.
To learn more about your boundaries, click here.
4. Avoiding Codependency
It can be so easy, too easy, to spend all the time in the world with your partner. While it may feel good in the moment, patterns of codependency can be extremely destructive. Crystal Raypole in the article, What are the Signs of Codependency?, defines codependency as “a way of behaving in relationships where you persistently prioritize someone else over you, and you assess your mood based on how they behave.” Codependent behaviors can reveal itself in many forms such as:
- Investing more time in your partner’s life than your own
- Self-sacrifice
- People pleasing
- Lack of boundaries
- Enabling destructive behaviors
- Lack of personal identity
- and more
People can easily lose themselves in relationships and neglect their own life, hobbies, interests, and boundaries. It is essential to put time into your own life, family, and friends. Spending time apart gives each partner the space and time to invest in themselves, and helps create a healthy relationship. Codependent behaviors can be avoided through the mutual respect of each others boundaries, and being able to recognize and address when the relationship is falling into unhealthy patterns.
5. Attachment Styles + Love Languages
A great way to understand yourself and your partner can be through learning about different attachment styles and love languages. You cannot read your partners mind, and they cannot read yours either. Having a mutual understanding of how you behave in a relationship, and how show your love can go a long way in creating a fulfilling partnership. Attachment styles are first formed through our earliest experiences of how we were treated by friends and family members. The different attachment styles are secure, ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized attachment. Kendra Cherry in her article, The Different Types of Attachment Styles, explains healthy attachment characteristics as:
- Have trusting, lasting relationships
- Tend to have good self-esteem
- Share feelings with partners and friends
- Seek out social support
Learning about you and your partners attachment style can aid in providing insight, awareness, and support to understand the relationship.
To learn about your attachment style, click here.
Along with attachment styles, learning about you and your partners love language can help provide mutual emotional satisfaction in the relationship. Sherri Gordon explains the importance of understanding love languages in her article, What are the Five Love Languages, by writing, “Regularly talking about what keeps your love tanks full can build more understanding—and ultimately, intimacy—in your relationship. You’ll not only learn more about one another, but you’ll also connect in deeper, more significant ways. When this happens, your relationship feels more intimate.” The five love languages are:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Physical touch
- Acts of service
- Receiving/ giving gifts
Everyone receives and gives love in different ways, some people might have one love language while others have multiple.
To find out what your love language is, click here.
Final Thoughts:
Relationships can be exciting, nerve-wracking, and overwhelming all at once, especially if you’re new to dating. It is crucial to be aware of how much work goes into creating a healthy relationship before saying “yes” to commitment. In my experience, it can be tempting to dive into something new, but I wish I had known these key components to facilitate a healthy, secure, and trusting relationship that lasts.
ShoutOut! James Madison University 