Trigger warning: Sexual assault and the terrible things awful people say about it is mentioned.
This week at the Bitchin’ Table, Parklena and Aliasmitch sit down and dish about the numerous attacks on reproductive rights, including paternalistic permission slips to obtain access to an abortion, the horrendous concern that women will lie about sexual assault in order to have an abortion and the sweeping claim this week that this is all a made-up leftist conspiracy and the GOP and its affiliates are claiming to not really care about reproductive rights at all! Join us as we try to unravel the insanity.
aliasmitch: Hey hey Parklena
parklena: Hey aliasmitch!
aliasmitch: So, I’m sure you’ve heard of all the new laws being passed nationwide that are helping people from all walks of life, particularly those with female reproductive organs, on how to take care of their bodies.
Hard decisions, I know, so we should be thankful that there are measures such as forced ultrasounds and doctors not having to tell pregnant people the health statuses of the fetuses that they may want to carry to term.
parklena: Oh totally. I mean, it’s not like pregnant people have minds of their own or anything. They, just like the fetuses they’re carrying, need guidance and attention from complete strangers in order to know the proper paths they should take.
aliasmitch: Exactly, they should be herded around like children on a playground, you know: stand in single file in polite silence, don’t pick your nose and do as your told.
parklena: Speaking of treating people like children, have you heard that Alaskan State Rep Alan Dick who wants women to get permission slips for their abortions from the supposed fathers?
aliasmitch:Oh, I did see about that, which you know, is an all new form of infantalization right?
Like going to Planned Parenthood or another abortion provider is a field trip and not an incredibly hard decision to make.
I wonder if there is a clause for brown bag lunches and an opportunity for voluntary chaperones for the pregnant person so incapable of making their own decisions.
Maybe they make a pit stop at a Creationist museum on the way. Save on some gas money and bus pregnant people to clinics in big yellow school buses.
parklena: The parent of the fetus, because they seem to only have one, will have a lot of responsibility on them. Maybe the state rep will want to bring out the criminals convicted of rape out of prison to escort these pregnant children and make sure they make smart decisions because they have a responsibility to the kids.
aliasmitch: I mean, if they are in prison at all. and speaking of Alaska, let’s not forget Sarah Palin’s charging rape survivors for rape test kits while she was mayor of Wasilla. I’m sure that encouraged the persecution of rapists to the full extent of the law.
parklena: Alaska really knows how to show concern for its citizens, doesn’t it?
aliasmitch: Also, according to Idaho senator Chuck Winder, women may falsely “cry rape” to obtain an abortion. You know, implying that a) women are heinous liars who lie about that all the time and b) that its not the restrictions set in place by people like Chuck Winder that would force a potential situation that this made-up liar would lie in.
Clearly, America is showing its strong concern for its citizens.
I don’t know why institutions for pregnant people have not been introduced yet, since they are so clearly incapable.
parklena: Yeah, it’s just like in the bill Senator Fred Dyson sponsored in 2009 to subject women to forced ultrasounds to make sure that the pregnant person would be making a decision based on logic and reason instead of emotions. Obviously, they have no brains and can only function on emotional-based decisions. They need someone who can dictate what they can and cannot do because their logical capacity is zero. It’s not institutions that are needed, aliasmitch, but schools because obviously the public school system is not enough for them.
aliasmitch: I mean, if only they REALLY PAID ATTENTION in their abstinence-only classes then they would have known better, right?
I mean, I don’t think we should stop at permission slips.
Maybe, in this hypothetical school, you’d need a hall pass to go to Planned Parenthood, be it for prenatal care or the other 97% of services that they offer that is not an abortion.
It’d be like going to the nurse, except no federal funding would pay for this nurse in the state of Texas.
I’m imagining a big laminated red pass attached to a ruler so it doesn’t get lost.
parklena: I think we should just offer chastity belts and be done with it. It would make sure their abstinence only policy sticks. Then we would have no need for abortion coverage and all the states can pass bills like the one that the Wisconsin State Assembly passed, limiting abortion coverage and imposing abstinence-only education in schools.
aliasmitch: Yeah, bodily autonomy, who needs that?!
Give me liberty or give me control of 50% of the nation’s bodies.
Should be the new GOP mantra.
parklena: Of course. But then, haven’t you heard? The GOP doesn’t know anything about it! It’s all a big conspiracy!
The Democrats are plotting against them. It’s all a big scheme to distract the country from all our other problems. Why focus on actual issues when we can just talk about the people living in the country?
aliasmitch: I saw that Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell said that the “War on Women” (which is a misnomer, btw) was all a “political theater” invented by the Democrats.
and that my very best BFF Ricky Santorum denies even talking about contraception.
Which maybe they are right!
Maybe we all existed in some parallel universe Quantum Leap style up until this week when the GOP has issued mass denials of their involvement in throwing pregnant people barefoot and back into the kitchen–
and we just unwittingly came back to the very real world in which they did NOTHING to violate anyone’s bodily autonomy!
Sounds entirely plausible, right?
parklena: Completely. It’s the only explanation, right? All their hard work in the government shows how much they care about their people. Everyone should get along. One giant happy family. We all respect each others’ bodies and have nothing to say whatsoever. It’s not like this has been going on for years and years and years.
aliasmitch: I mean, and they are all for children once they are born, right?
Educating them, feeding them, providing them daycares and healthcare, right?
right?
…right?
parklena: Right! Because they have all those people just waiting to take care of all these children. … Somewhere. Maybe they’re hiding until the right moment?
aliasmitch: Maybe they have also been transported to an alternate universe and we are just waiting for their miraculous return.
Until then, we’ll just have to continue to suffer under the cloak and dagger mirages of the Liberal Left and their conspiracies to make the Right look like a bunch of people who want to limit reproductive rights as much as possible, right?
parklena: Maybe we can add that to the abstinence-only education program. We can call it, “The Liberal Ninja Theory: GOP Really Does Care.” It’ll teach everyone to trust in the decisions of the Right. They love us and want to protect us. That’s why they don’t teach us anything. Ignorance is bliss and all that.
aliasmitch: Certainly, I mean they obviously are upset that they keep being blamed for their obsession with social issues. We should give them a chance and pay attention to what they are doing about the economic situation.
…Whenever they show us what, exactly, they are doing about the economic situation.
in GOP we trust.
parklena: We should put that on our bills. Maybe looking at it everyday will really drum it in.
aliasmitch: Drum what in? I wasn’t being sarcastic. I once was blind, but now I see.
parklena: That’s why we need to spread the word. We have to help keep McDonnell’s approval ratings up. He seems to be having some trouble. I wonder why? It seems pretty clear to me that he never did anything wrong.
aliasmitch: Not at all. He never wrote a thesis saying that women should stay at home and homosexuality should be a crime against the state. He never signed a bill into law that provoked mass protests in the capitol in response. He works for a democracy, he works for the people, he works for us.
parklena: I’ve never heard of such blasphemy. He cares about us and I won’t hear any word against him.
aliasmitch: Nor shall I. I’m off to go join the GOP youth and my first task is to make copies of permission slips for pregnant women seeking an abortion!
Would you like me to save you a few, just in case?
parklena: That would be great. I’m off to make fliers about the lies that the Democrats are spreading. Got to educate the people, right?
aliasmitch: Yes! Goodbye Shoutout readers, we shall never meet again; unless you realize the folly of the leftist conspiracy.
ShoutOut! James Madison University 