The Bitchin’ Table: The One Million Homophobic Moms Edition

This week at The Bitchin’ Table, femonfire and aliasmitch are angry. So angry that they are willing to start an arbitrary facebook group that demands everyone they don’t like to be fired from their jobs because these people shouldn’t have jobs (because we said so.) We will call ourselves 5 Zillion Deviants and we will DESTROY THE NUCLEAR FAMILY WITH OUR HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA. We will all wear solid lavender uniforms with hot pink piping and menacing shoulder pads. We will terrorize the suburbs with propaganda that will corrupt your children with our messages of love for all. Ellen DeGeneres will lead us into our war with your simple, clean lives, effectively destroying back yard barbecues, after-school bake sales and most important of all: YOUR MARRIAGES.

YOU WILL RUE THE DAY AMERICA.

Join us, readers, and hope that you will survive our homosexual reign of terror.

AliasMitch:  Hey Deviant Hey.

FemOnFire:  Ayo, fellow Deviant.

AliasMitch:  FemOnFire, you have deviated from the officially sanctioned greeting. I know that some our members want to jazz it up and get all creative, but homosexuality didn’t get an Agenda by means of diversity.

FemOnFire:  I am so sorry. I don’t wish to disappoint our Leader. I only live to serve the Homosexual Agenda.

AliasMitch:  Our leader would be so ashamed, FemOnFire, as you are a Deviant with a great track record of following our Agenda.

FemOnFire:  Why thank you, AliasMitch. As you know, the Agenda has been most recently threatened by One Million Moms in their attempt to keep our Leader from brainwashing the American people to accept the “gay lifestyle” as an acceptable “choice.”

AliasMitch:  Oh, I have heard. Our Leader’s great plans of corrupting today’s youth in the guise of advertising for affordable women’s casual clothing was almost thwarted by One Million Moms. This is threatening because, as you know, JC Penny ads are where a child absorbs most of their knowledge of a heterosexual (and so they claim more moral) lifestyle. I remember the pinnacle of my childhood education being within the pages of JC Penny and Macy’s catalogs.

FemOnFire:  Well, as you know, our Leader’s only component of identity is her sexual orientation and she is known solely as a figurehead for the Agenda and not as a comedic public figure who stands for many different things. Anyone who shops at J.C. Penny now automatically supports the “gay lifestyle” and the societal deterioration that will result from its presence in the mainstream.

AliasMitch:  Which is, frankly, a deterioration that we all as deviants yearn for and work towards. Praise be to Sodom.

FemOnFire:  Gomorrah in the highest.

AliasMitch:  It is only through the saturation of our Agenda that our Leader has been able to sustain her position at J.C. Penny. Her time as Propaganda Minister was well spent, winning over a reluctant heterosexual audience with her quick wit, charm and Emmy-award winning daytime talk show.

FemOnFire:  That is so true. And as One Million Moms pointed out, tolerance goes both ways. We should be tolerant of their completely founded and tolerant-driven mandate to fire Ellen as a spokesperson for a clothing store based on her sexual orientation.

Mitch:  Yes, because, as Cindy Rios says in her interview with Bill O’Reilly “Just because its legal doesn’t make it right,” and I’m rather unclear what her “it” is in reference to. Is it the couple of states that allow gay marriage, or just to legally allowing people to be homosexual? Either way, I should tolerate her opinion because it clearly is driven by nothing but tolerance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHEVu64pZsA

FemOnFire:  I think she is referring to the “homosexual lifestyle.” It is extremely tolerant of her to allow us to live in a society that we are constantly trying to corrupt and destroy. Though it is legal for us to be alive and actively homosexual, it doesn’t make it right. She’s tolerantly allowing us to be gay, just so long as we don’t throw it in her children’s faces by doing things like talking about it or acting on it.

AliasMitch:  Or being photographed in ads for clothes, where an adult would have to identify us as homosexual to a child looking at the ad for the child to know they were about to be corrupted.

FemOnFire:  Right! Homosexuals should only be allowed to wear clothing emblazoned with a red “H” to alert the viewer that the clothing is targeting a special interest group and not the general public.

AliasMitch:  I mean, we only wear our lavender uniforms now anyway, but maybe we should stamp large red H’s on everything we create. One Million Moms would have to totally protest the entire bridal industry, once again,  we are destroying marriage. I mean, its really fortunate that our Leader had a large public backing and a presence in the media in order to demonstrate how blatant this One Million Mom’s call for on-demand discrimination was. The fact that they are only trying to take away her job and not ours is something we should thank them for.

FemOnFire:  That’s true. If a “family values” group decided to organize to get me fired from my job because I’m a lesbian, it would be completely legal as per Virginia’s workplace non-discrimination policy, as it doesn’t cover sexual orientation or gender identity.

AliasMitch:  Or if your boss decided that because you were openly gay and they didn’t like that you could be fired without any notice and with little or no recourse left to you to regain employment.

FemOnFire:  Or if my boss speculated that I were transgender, they could fire me for not upholding “traditional values” for the company, because, as you know, it is everyone’s right to question my body and to know whether my genitalia matches my gender identity.

AliasMitch:  Or that your genitalia should only touch opposite sex genitalia, and that the children should know this and only this and be spared from the carnal knowledge that a J.C. Penny’s ad featuring Ellen DeGeneres would give them.

And god forbid you want to work in the public education system, or in a daycare, which, as precious Sandy Rios is keen to point out in her interview with chuckles almost One Million Times, its ALL ABOUT THE CHILDREN. THEY MUST BE SPARED ALL KNOWLEDGE OF DEVIANT BEHAVIOR.

FemOnFire:  Of course! Children should never be able to learn about LGBT issues lest our glamorous lifestyle lure them into Sin.

AliasMitch:  Not to mention that it might notify them of their parents’ wavering heterosexual privilege and homophobic thinking that they desperately cling to and need in order to give them a purpose in life.

FemOnFire:  Because clearly if homosexuals are given equal privileges, it will take away from the God-given rights of heterosexuals. It’s like reverse homophobia!

AliasMitch:  Which is the plot of the Gay Agenda. They have caught us red (or should I say rainbow) handed! I mean, we’ve even weakened Bill O’Reilly into our fold, almost-kind-of-probably-not. In the interview above he defends J.C. Penny’s right to hire whomever they want to, and even accuses One Million Moms of McCarthy-esque witch hunts, which is the first time I’ve heard that used appropriately as a metaphor by a Fox News Personality.

FemOnFire:  Clearly the Gay Agenda is being implemented if even a champion of the conservative world is calling One Million Moms’ demands “un-American.” What’s more American than imposing your beliefs on another person and demanding they accommodate them?

AliasMitch:  Actually that sounds like the fascist Gay Agenda. And we are as un-American as possible, clearly, if the 40,000 people who like 1 Million Moms facebook page have any say. I mean, our goal clearly isn’t to have equality and be left the hell alone; it’s to utterly destroy the fabric of this nation.

FemOnFire:  And we will only be satisfied when the “breeders” have recognized us as their deviant oppressors. Until then, we will continue to pretend to be normal citizens as we lie in wait for the day of reckoning.

AliasMitch:  And we will wave rainbow flags and sprinkle glitter over the burning remains of the heterosexual lifestyle.

FemOnFire:  Praise be to Sodom.

AliasMitch:  Gomorrah in the highest.

Our Leader addressing One Million Moms: