The Bitchin’ Table : New Years Anti-Resolution

ICB:  ‪hey classifiedsarcastic!‬

CS:  ‪Well hello internationalcupcakebandit!! That gingerbread cupcake you “found” for me was delicious!‬

It was a lot of calories though….. I’m concerned about it joining up with the holiday themed truffles I’ve been eating

ICB:  ‪hehe yay! calories ey? tell me about it.. i’ll be in Italy in a few days and im pretty sure i’m going to be like 20lbs+ heavier when I get back..‬

CS:  ‪Well I’ll be back on the homestead eating Paula Deen mac and cheese and fighting for gravy so I think I have you beat‬

ICB:  ‪no way, ill be drowning in wine, cheese, pasta, and sausage ALL break! BEAT THAT!‬

CS:  ‪Well my “skinny” jeans will no longer be skinny…‬

The nice thing about holiday weight gain though, is that my New Years resolution totally covers that

every year I eat as much as I can and then I just make the same resolution

and you know what… I must be on to something because every other girl does the same thing too

I=GENIUS

ICB:  ‪the same resolution? doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a “new” year? seems like an old and overdone year to me… come to think of it, most women do resolve to lose weight every January 1st.. I feel like I never want to resolve to lose weight and it seems like you almost have to, am i right?‬

CS:  ‪I mean that makes sense, you do need to fit into that black catsuit for your job…..‬

CS:  ‪But I feel ya’, I don’t actually like resolutions because I don’t ever keep them, seems like a waste of my time. Bet every year I get the same thing..‬

friends: “Oh classifiedsarcastic, what are you resolving this year?”

Me: “I already did mine, to be awesome.”

friends: “No, no really though, we’re all losing weight. Wanna join?”

me: “Ummmmm…”

friends: in a whisper “Its a good one to have after all the mac and cheese you’ve been eating.”

me: “You friends are so supportive.”

friends: “so you’re in?”

me: “yeahhhhh, okay.”

I always cave

ICB:  ‪Yeah, totally. I couldn’t agree more. The new year is always filled with empty promises of weight loss, because it’s not like most people actually lose that weight, they just like to say they will. And why?? I don’t actually think we all gain that much weight during break (except for you know.. the necessary insulation to survive the Harrisonburg winters!)‬

It’s like a weird sort of societal pressure, that as women, we should automatically think we need to lose weight after the holidays, even if we don’t need to!

I think its STUPID

CS:  ‪Yeah I mean, I know I actually probably don’t, but when I’m with my friends, I feel like if I tell them I’d rather make a resolution to become more ironic, they just kinda give me this look and, POOF! I’m suddenly not being a “normal” woman. And heaven forbid I don’d adopt a rigorous a diet plan….‬

I LIKE mac and cheese

My love handles crave it

my stomach calls for it day and night

the pressures from them……

well, I can usually never resist their sweet whispers and persuasions

it’s kind of an open relationship though

we do allow truffle and ice cream as well

ICB:  ‪your friends sound like they need a little wake up call. Honestly, i think you need to be monogamous, you love Mac and you love Cheese. Resistance is futile!!!‬

CS:  ‪How can I when everyone expects me to jump on their New Years bandwagon. How do I actually make a resolution that reflects what I want and doesn’t embrace a normative conception of beauty???‬

or relationships…. haha

ICB:  ‪Think about it- We reject stereotypes and patriarchical norms every day from super padded bras, to wearing our hair short, to not shaving our legs, whats so different with rejecting this stereotypical resolution. Heck, I think we should do the opposite. 2012, EAT AS MUCH AS YOU CAN!! BOOM!‬

CS:  ‪you’re so wise… and you’re right!! The world’s coming to an end anyways, I’m naming 2012 my year of Ironic Gluttony.. I shall master food and irony and blend the two into a parfait of unstoppable sweetness!‬

(was that ironic?)

(i think, yes?)

YEAR OF IRONIC GLUTTONY RESOLUTION: To do everything ever ironically and eat everything my body tells me to, in an ironic manner of course

ICB:  ‪Yes, no? You’re so good at being ironic im not even sure anymore.. I think im going to hit Africa and see what delicious new spices I can steal to infuse into my cupcakes.. WHEE‬

ICB:  ‪YEAR OF THE CUPCAKES RESOLUTION: To eat every cupcake that wanders into my sight and reach a new level of cupcake genius that the world has never seen before ‬

CS:  ‪I thought you’d already obtained that… BUT I LIKE IT.‬

I think we might be on to something here…

ICB:  ‪oohhh yeahhhh‬