Am I Doing This Right?

Is there a right way into becoming a woman?  More specifically, is there a right way into becoming a young woman?

Feminism is a space to learn about gender, sexuality, patriarchy, social constructions and constraints, intimacy, economics, politics.  In being a baby Feminist, meaning I have 3 years under my belt, I have learned so much.  But Feminism aside, I have fought and battled my way to be where I am.  And, I still am not sure if I have it right.

I grew up without a mother as a model to imitate.  Actually, I grew up with a distant mother to be reminded of how not to be when I became a woman. So, I’ve worked with what I’ve had, in observing adult women outside my blood family, and have tried to grow into a young woman that way.

As I have told you, almost a year ago I underwent a breast reduction surgery, and as I have told some of you, my life has changed, evolved, completely.

A new body was transformed right in front of my eyes, and I didn’t even know it, at the time. Now, a year later, I think I need to write a little on my evolution and for some of you, maybe you would like to hear it.  Similar to all my other writings, this entry will have convoluted, with multiple points and reasoning that which from afar may not appear correlate, but ultimately, all do correspond.

Before my breast reduction surgery in December of 2010, as I have said, I was a little overweight, I had a bit more acne, and not much self-confidence.  I was not an empowered feminist, but I was feminist scholar.  I see myself to be a person who studies, critiques, and extracts feminism the patriarchal world in which feminism resides in.  And, that was the extent of it. Empowerment found in feminism some how, for me, sat on the back burner.

It was not until I studied in Washington, D.C., where I interned, studied, drank, clubbed, dated, and where, I went overboard.

In January of 2011, I had lost a significant amount of weight, my acne somehow cleared up and I was beginning to heal from surgery.  I was living with a group of new girls, who were all different and extraordinary in their own ways, where our main agenda when Thursday hit, was to travel down to Adams Morgan.  From Thursday to Sunday, we were drinking.  But, not JMU kind of partying; I am talking about bars, clubs, late night falafel and pizza, and men, men everywhere! Men wanting to dance, pay for drinks, and, take you out the next night for dinner.

Needless to say, I went out on a lot of dates.  A territory I had not been familiar with before my surgery.

Now, the thing with breast reduction surgery is, no one knows you had surgery unless 1) you’ve told them, or 2) you were their plastic surgeon.  So, when I began dating in DC, I felt like I was living with an alter ego.  I felt I was living with a flirtatious, empowered, feminine, alter ego.

But I wasn’t realizing this alter ego was actually, the new me.

Now, before I get attacked, I am not saying being overweight and having acne, is not beautiful and that one cannot be empowered with those types of attributes. However, what I am relaying is that I, me, ihavemythings, feel now that I have become more and more of who I thought I was always supposed to be, always supposed to look like, and always was supposed to feel.

This was enforced through dating, through attention from other persons, through the alteration of my appearance.  And, I do not believe how I obtained empowerment, how I realized my young womanhood and sexuality, was wrong.

This is to say, there is no right way of being and in becoming a female.

This is what Feminism teaches and this is what I am now beginning to learn.

I always recall this conversation I had with one of my girlfriends where we came to the conclusion, she sleeps around a lot and I don’t, but our sexual journeys are our own, personal ways in discovering who we are.

And, there isn’t anything wrong with either one of these journeys, or any journey, for that matter. This I find to be one of the most beautiful parts of feminism.

As, anncoulpable said in his post, I too found solace in Feminism. In not having a mother to turn to, feminism became my outlet, space, my way in learning about womanhood.  In a way, feminism became the mother I never had.  Feminism brought me all my mother and women figures.  Feminism let me pick and choose the young woman I wanted and still hope to be.  Empowerment by way of Feminism is something I am still learning how to channel, manage, and prosper.  It’s a very new feeling and being inside, and in so many ways I have made “mistakes,” but I am learning.  Feminist empowerment can at times, be daunting and unsettling.  But, by the grace of the universe, Feminism has brought so much good energy my way.  And, I hope and pray this energy will always be.