Rape jokes: No place for old NOR young men (nor old or young women, really!)

Even though I’m not exactly surrounded by a feminist cult (though, with 60% women at this university, we certainly could form one…hmm…whaddya think?), I do often forget that not everyone I meet self-identifies as a feminist. These a-ha moments occur most frequently when my friends end a flippant or seemingly thoughtless comment with “…but, don’t get mad at me for saying that,” because they think that’s one way to shut the Feminist Friend up.

Most recently one of these self-awareness moments — where I realized how fundamentally different my friends and I are  — occurred in my friend’s storytelling of her weekend adventure to see her new (2+ weeks) long-distance boyfriend. To preface this story: I have never had a friend or acquaintance admit that they are the survivor of a sexual assault, though the probability is good that I unknowingly am friends with one. So as much as I believe that I am not hyper-sensitive to rape jokes, I realized that my position as a feminist makes me more conscious of politically correct phrasing when it comes to sensitive topics, like rape.

So, Friend A went to visit her boyf last weekend and over the course of their time together they had an intense make-out session in a steamy bathroom while she was waiting for her shower to heat up. After ten minutes of being pressed against the counter, making out and groping each other, the boyfriend apparently looked at her and said “You’d better get in the shower now before I have to stop myself from raping you.” As she relayed this story to Friend B and I, Friend B saw the slack-jawed look on my face (really, I was trying to hide it) and commented “and trippingonsunshine [she used my real name, obviously] is NOT amused…” They both chuckled and rolled their eyes at the idea that I might find fault with what he said, that I might take it TOO seriously, that I might take it TOO far. And they were right — I did take it seriously, but I would disagree with the “too” part. ‘Cause the truth is, I’d be more than a little freaked out by a boyfriend who made jokes about raping (or not raping) me…

What is a college feminist to do, however? Nearly two years ago Mother Jones published a piece with suggestions on confronting these low-taste jokes. As they stated, “No one wants to be that uppity biyotch who thinks she can tell everyone what to think, and no one really likes that gal.” Especially in college, when peer-to-peer approval-seeking behavior is as, if not more common, than Starbucks binges during finals week. Yet it’s sort of like the time I told a high school friend that Homecoming Princess was a title no one remembered the year following her coronation — and then I realized that she had been the Homecoming Princess that year (gulp!). Now I want to help others avoid similar foot-in-mouth moments. Friend A’s boyfriend’s comment didn’t offend me, in the sense that I am not a survivor and I wasn’t playing defense for a survivor. Rather than offending, it worried me because I knew that if she was comfortable enough to tell the story in front of me, she’d probably also be comfortable enough to pass on the joke to others, others who may take greater offense at it and not have the guts to tell her that it was inappropriate.

In my eyes, not only the way in which she shared the story alarmed me. The message of the story made me uneasy, too. I believe the boyfriend was trying to jokingly end their make-out session, and I’m sure he did so without realizing the political incorrectness and emotional insensitivity behind what he said. But shouldn’t we hold men (and this includes 20-year-old boyfriends) to high standards? I realize that not every college female waves the feminism freak flag as proudly as I do, but shouldn’t we realize that when one of every four college women has survived rape or attempted rape — statistically equaling one of the four roommates in a typical off-campus JMU apartment, if that makes it sound more close-to-home for you — that rape jokes are always, ALWAYS inappropriate? That rape is, by its most basic definition, “sex you don’t agree to”? There is nothing funny about one’s pushing themselves onto another human being who has consistently withheld (or given and later withdrawn) consent. I’ve often heard it said that rape is really about power and not sex. What’s funny about someone asserting power over another person without their consent? I’m sorry, Friend A’s boyfriend; what’s so funny about pushing a part of your body or an object into another person’s body cavity when they don’t agree to it?

Even in The Notebook (I knew that watching it while writing this post would come in handy!), Noah makes a comment to Allie along the lines of what my friend’s boyfriend said. In the movie, Allie says she’s a cheap drunk and shouldn’t drink any more beers or Noah will have to carry her out of his house, and he replies “Well, you go slow then, I don’t want to have to take advantage of you.” She laughs and replies “You’d never.” Why are men being told (in a variety of media and societal sources) that rape is something we can still joke about? (Especially if you’re a true comedian).

I believe that the effort to correct this behavior lies on men AND women alike. Men should encourage men to be “real men” — to be men with integrity and respect for others. One in Four, the all-male campus group that facilitates rape and sexual assault presentations to many campus organizations, is off to a good start. But the dialogue shouldn’t only occur during a One in Four presentation. The discussion should be occurring in a variety of forums, and frequently, with the ultimate goal of turning one-in-four to one-in-a-hundred or one-in NOT AT ALL. (Can you imagine what a great world that would be?!) There are certainly men on this campus that I admire and that I believe are more than capable of carrying forth this mission. But I don’t place all the burden on the men, however; I also believe it’s the job of women as well to envision (and create) a world where rape, and rape jokes, are not tolerated.

So, where to start? Start small. Say something when your best guy friend/boyfriend/brother/crazy Uncle Larry makes a joke about rape. Start a dialogue with your roommates about language and the power and ferocity of (un)intended words. It doesn’t matter whether you personally are a survivor or whether you’re an ally; if you need motivation, think of the girl who is wincing as a rape joke is told. Think of that girl, and everything she cannot bring herself to say, and say it for her so that she doesn’t have to. It can be as simple as a “wow, that was inappropriate. So what do you all think about _____?” to change the subject and keep it lighthearted. Or, if you’re willing to fight the battle, take it a step further; ask the joke-teller why they think it’s funny. Invite them to discuss their point-of-view another time when you’re both not so fired up and then listen with the goal of understanding their perspective. Be that ally to the girl who can’t put together words to fight rape insensitivity. Be that friend. Don’t settle for complacency. Hold yourself — and those you associate with — to higher standards. And ultimately, even if you don’t feel as if you changed the joke-teller’s attitude in the long run, I guarantee you that someone else within earshot is thankful that you took a stance.