Should She or Shouldn’t She? : The Masturbation Dilemma

I’ve been contemplating if I should write this piece or not.  Speaking or writing about this topic is an absolute no, no.  Academically, I may be shooting myself in the foot right now.  But I think women and men need to talk about it.  It’s apart of life, or rather it should be apart of life.  I’ve spoken about masturbation with several of my girlfriends; in response most times, each friend has an air of stigmatization around the subject.  Most of society says women cannot please themselves without a man present.  A man has to please a woman.  Masturbation, when it comes to women is an ignominy. Even reading the word makes you squirm doesn’t it?  Oh I know, imagine typing and writing a blog on it right now.

Several women and men think masturbation is an disgrace.  That said, several women and men say it is not too.  To focus on the former, where does the idea that masturbation is sinful stem from?  If we look at men’s mind set, it is possible that 1) men should be the one satisfying women, 2) men may think there is something wrong with them or feel they are not adequate enough if a woman is masturbating, or 3) misogyny – men see women as nothing more than objects whose sole purpose is to provide men pleasure.  Yes, we can turn to religious texts, blah, blah, blah.  I am not going to look there – though this is certainly one reason why this Western hemisphere thinks this way.   However, as I mention these reasons, I am reminded that my girlfriends never have spoken of these former reasons as to why they themselves don’t masturbate.  Unless of course I am talking to one of my Christian girlfriends, then I know the reason they don’t.

Yet, I don’t want to focus on why some men are “against” women masturbating.  No, my focus of this blog is to question, analyze, and seek a reason why some women do not masturbate and/or place stigmas upon masturbation.  I may not find an answer, actually I know I won’t, but these questions have been on my mind.  Nevertheless, as I begin the birth of 4^th Wave of Feminism: Orgasms for Women, I want to know why many women deprive themselves of self-pleasure.

But why do many women not masturbate?  Especially and more specifically, why do so many young women not masturbate?  Why do so many young women cringe when the word masturbation comes up?  It is almost as if, if the word itself is spoken, a shock of possibility comes alive in the fear that letter A’s will be handed out momentarily.

Maybe it is the fear of the unknown?  Maybe it is because this patriarchal society we all live in has told us that we as women don’t deserve self-gratification, we don’t deserve orgasms or pleasure at all for that matter.  Now, my non-Feminist girlfriends who I’ve spoken to would not think like this, I digress.  Instead, most of them don’t have a direct reason as to why they don’t masturbate.  Shame, naïveté, hope to find or already have someone to please them – maybe?  We are enclosed to the fact “you can look, but I can’t touch.”  Most women don’t orgasm during sex, even during oral sex.  Most women have only experienced orgasms via masturbation.  And, several women have never experienced an orgasm.  My point is not to revolve our entire lives around sex- or is it?  No, it’s not, but I do think it is important whether you are or you are not in a relationship, masturbation should be apart of life.  The chemicals released, the emotions stirred, physical pulsation, mental confidence and assertiveness- this all needs to be apart of a woman’s life.  It saddens me when I find out a woman has never been satisfied by a partner, but is also too afraid to satisfy herself.

Women are continually and globally denied: life, choices, ownership of their bodies, equal pay, acknowledgement, and self-gratification.  This is not to say males are all to blame.  God no I am not saying that, I’ve met several women who could care less about other women and their lives.  I’ve also met several young women who judge other women who have sex and/or masturbate.  A woman who masturbates faces judgment from both sexes.  This I know is one reason why women don’t masturbate- judgement from others.  Judgement from their partners, friends, or themselves.

Masturbation and modern media: films, television shows, or novels, here is a medium to analyze.  “Black Swan” certainly let Natalie Portman have a go at it.  The problem may be that though modern media has not placed a stigma upon the subject, these sources certainly have not shown viewers that women do masturbate thus having female viewers blind to the healthiness and normality of the act.  Masturbation is not some cult-ish, all who do shall go to hell ordeal -or is it?  Unfortunately, young women are told and shown that if and only if she thins down, then will a man do all what she desires to her.  Until then, no touching.

As you may have noticed, I am more concerned with and speaking of the young women population and their relationship with self-pleasure.  Older women tend to understand the need, healthiness, and importance of self-gratification.  But so many young women don’t.  So many young women wait for men or female partners to fondle and caress them, and then, most of us are disappointed in the end.

To be dependent (in some regards) on a man or your female partner is lovely, brilliant.  And then there are times when an individual needs to take care of himself or herself if that other individual is not around or is nonexistent.

I told you I wouldn’t answer my own question.  I knew I’d just ramble on and sing my song.  But do keep in mind that this is not just a few girls here and there who are ashamed of self-gratification.  No, there are a lot, a lot who are ashamed.  That is a concern.  To deny ourselves or others sexual pleasure in any form is a disgrace–talking about queer rights here.  If someone simply just does not want to do masturbate because it is not for them (one girlfriend has told me this) then let her be.  But when a woman is ashamed of her own body and what her body can produce, there lies the ignominy.  Ignominy lies not with the woman, but with the stigmatization itself.