This week at the Bitchin’ Table (Which has been on vaction. Sorry everybody!) ecstanton and aliasmitch brain storm a very crazy monstrous creation, and ponder about her ultimate ability to smash some patriarchy.
aliasmitch: Hey ecstanton!
ecstanon: Hey aliasmitch!
aliasmitch: Or should I call you Dr. Feministein? Because I’m convinced you have devised the most deviously ingenious science experiment to help kick some Big Patriarch Ass.
ecstanton: Feel free to call me Dr. Feministein, I think Mary Shelly would be proud of the creation of mythical proportions that we have devised this evening.
aliasmitch: Its ingenious, really! But you must get all due credit for this theory. I was like your Percy Byshe Shelly just sitting around with Bryon and listening. And whatever else those weirdos did. I just hope your creation doesn’t learn to read Milton’s Paradise, kill our families, demands a mate and we have to chase it into the arctic. That would really suck.
ecstanton: True! And I will try my best to keep all inherent racism out of my inventions. But in all seriousness, I do believe that HillGaga will revolutionize feminism as we know it. I am very pleased with outcome of all of those long hours in my scary lab, I believe the creature is quite revolutionary.
Not to mention, very fashionable.
aliasmitch: Say hello to a new era for women!
aliasmitch: No more boring blazer suits! HillGaga meets other diplomats wearing a mirrorball shattered over black taffeta.
But, whatever inspired you to create our great savior?
ecstanton: Let me tell you. After years of waiting and longing for a strong, independent, relatable woman who was willing to speak out against patriarchy, sexism, ageism, racism, classism and homophobia, I finally realized that no such woman was going to come along. So in a moment of pure divine intervention (from the omniscient she-god), I had a dream. In this dream I saw the powerful, well spoken, feminist Hillary Clinton in all of her heinous pastel suited glory. Then I saw the vivacious, fashion forward, pop-icon, gay rights activist Lady Gaga. The omnipotent she-god then plucked the head off Hillary Clinton and placed it on the body of Lady Gaga. The great mind and great heart combined to make the feminist archetype that I had been searching for. And that is when I called you and we got to work!
aliasmitch: Well, I can certainly appreciate you calling me!
ecstanton: Yes!!
aliasmitch: But, our audience may ponder why exactly, combine these two very different people?
Which unveils a somewhat troubling truth about Hillary and Gags.
ecstanton: Unfortunately you are exactly right aliasmitch. Each one of these delicious divas lacks some aspect of feminist ideology that we all hold near and dear. While Hillary Clinton has recently stated that female inequality is one “of the biggest pieces of unfinished business in this century,” she has also publicly announced that she is both against gay marriage AND is in support of the burka bans like the one recently passed in France. Lady Gaga on the other hand is an avid and active gay rights supporter who has very publicly spoke out against “don’t ask don’t tell” and other laws that oppress the LGBT community. Yet, she has also publicly announced that she is not a feminist. The combination of these two civil rights tycoons, therefore, creates the perfect blend of feminism!
aliasmitch: Surely, it would certainly create a hybrid of liberation
ecstanton: And an added bonus, no more pastel polyester!
aliasmitch: What is troubling about Hill’s comments though is that while she sympathizes with the persecution of the LGBT community (she even did a “It Gets Better video”) is that she opposes gay marriage on the grounds that marriage is a tradition for men and women
which is like me saying “I empathize with the all the crap dumped on women, but I really don’t want to close that wage gap because I like being paid more.”
aliasmitch: Or you know, the typical arguments against that, women take off more time for all those babies they have, they have lazy desk jobs etc.
ecstanton: Very true. The U.S. constitution does not classify marriage as a union between a man and a woman, the only document that does that is the bible, which as well all know is supposed to be kept separate from the government; much to the disappointment of Brother Micha.
ecstanton: Just like it doesn’t classify the penis as a necessary qualification for high paying jobs, or the presidency, unless I missed that byline.
aliasmitch: True, and, as we all know, religion has often been used to defend oppression, be it race or gender.
ecstanton: So true. But never fear aliasmitch because HillGaga is here to kick oppression’s ass!
aliasmitch: And it is exciting! Because Hillary has really, unrepentantly pressed forward on so many women’s issues and I cannot think of any celebrity who has advocated for Gay Rights as publicly as Gaga has.
aliasmitch: I mean, that burka thing is somewhat troubling because that has a whole lot to do with freedom of religion but it is also hard to determine how much self-agency one has in wearing one outside of a nation in which they are mandatory.
ecstanton: It is a tough call aliasmitch. But it would seem like the key to that issue would be a sense of understanding for Muslim women. If a Muslim woman understands why she is wearing the burka and still decides to wear one for her own personal religious fulfillment, than that should be her right. At least that is how I see the situation.
aliasmitch: Exactly, so that just really appears as prescriptive western thinking to me.
ecstanton: I couldn’t agree with you more.
aliasmitch: Which is kind of what this civil unions yes marriage for men and women crap reminds me of because as a non-queer person, it must be really nice to be able to make that distinction? Like, awesome, she supports those equal rights but she ALSO supported DOMA
which has still not gone away.
aliasmitch: And, at its very base, its gendered discrimination.
Which is men marry women–women marry men.
Behave!
ecstanton: And those women better stay in the damn kitchen baking pies!
aliasmitch: I doubt Hillary is baking any pies.
But, I wish people could see it that way. Any kind of viewing the “queer” community as separate from anyone else is rooted in how one perceives gendered behavior.
ecstanton: Exactly. Any kind of divergence from stereotypical gender roles terrifies people.
aliasmitch: I mean, the same gendered expectations that hopes Hillary is baking them pies.
ecstanton: The worst part is that the definitions of femininity and masculinity are so rigid, it is laughable. No one fits perfectly into those roles, not even the normative straight white male.
aliasmitch: Exactly, so Hillary, why the gendered expectations?
We plan to erase them from your mind and put you in lobster heels.
ecstanton: Immediately. And Gaga, no more denouncing feminism, it may not be as trendy as your meat dress, but it is essential to equality.
ecstanton: I’ve been thinking, maybe we should tack on a Martin Luther King arm and a Gandhi leg to make sure we have all of our bases covered.
aliasmitch: Wow, I think you just got all meta on us
Not a super woman but a super human.
ecstanton: The world may not be prepared.
aliasmitch: Which is essentially, what all humans should strive for: to treat others as humans. Which sounds so simple?
ecstanton: Exactly, and what can i say, I’m just Gaga about equality.
aliasmitch: And I’m just Hill-bent on making it happen, no matter the questionable scientific ethics of us imagining ourselves as Gods and creating the ultimate Feministein.
ecstanton: I’m willing to risk it in the name of feminism.
aliasmitch: If not anything else, we can patent our procedure and become rich.
It’s all about the money, honey.
ecstanton: Eh Eh, nothin’ else I can say.
I just hope it’s not a bad romance.
ShoutOut! James Madison University 