The Bitchin’ Table: True Life – I Was In Mr. Clean’s Harem.

Posted on by aliasmitch

Well hello, and welcome to our Friday feature, The Bitchin’ Table, when two of our fabulous authors discuss whatever they want! (As inspired by the prolific Sexist Beatdowns written by Sady Doyle and Amanda Hess).  This week, true and harrowing tales of how brooms get us hot, bleach is an aphrodisciac and how cleaning is (marketed) as better than sex with your loved one! Of course, that is if you are a woman. If you are a man, you can’t even figure out how to use a Windex bottle! (According to commercials, at least – which are the true records of our times!) KillerTofu and aliasmitch talk  about some scrub-a-dub-dub erotica.

KillerTofu: Hey there aliasmitch, is that a freshly starched shirt I spy clinging to your svelte form?
aliasmitch: Oh, my, it is? How did you know? I spent all day over the ironing board trying to get it to that exact shape without looking like I was walking around between two sheets of cardboard with sleeves.
KillerTofu: I could have spotted that wrinkle free pocket from a mile away. You must tell me all about how you keep yourself so tidy.

aliasmitch: Well, you know, it’s so easy to stay so tidy! Because I love it and when I clean ANYTHING I get this queasy feeling of puppy love in my stomach because, I must confess, my cleaning products and I are having a steamy love affair
KillerTofu: I didn’t know there were others like me… I get butterflies when I open a new pack of Swiffer pads or a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. 
aliasmitch: Which is like normal, right? Because you are a woman, and according to all the commercials we watched this summer together during cable television of questionable quality, I found that women LOVE to clean. Because their cleaning products are male! I’m really conflicted….Am I queer for the scrubbing bubbles?
KillerTofu: There have to be more of us out there. It’s natural. Women clean, all that scrubbing and rubbing and soaking… it’s just all so erotic. I know one woman whose broom stood outside holding up a boombox like John Cusak in that one movie after she switched to another cleaning implement.
aliasmitch: “Once you go Swiffer you never go back” Thats what my friend Karen told me last week. She said she faked it every time she used the old mop, but now, it’s all about her.

aliasmitch: But anyway, in all seriousness, have you NOTICED how much women are told they love cleaning in commercials?
KillerTofu: Absolutely, I think it’s part of this whole sociology of domestic work. Cleaning products are advertised as powerful, dirt busting, disease killing, masculine implements.
aliasmitch: Exactly. Especially since they are made with SCIENCE!!!! which, as we know, is a no lady-zone.
KillerTofu: Indeed, so you have these cleaning products embodying super masculine protection and potency. Have you noticed how women are always cleaning while their stupid husbands and irresponsible children are making messes?
aliasmitch: Or those damn muddy dogs? That probably their children begged for and promised to care for?
    But NO. Who gets stuck cleaning up after that wholesomely hilarious mess. Mom.
    Not dad in his business suit who has to get to his busy cubicle, or the kids because they have to get to school.
    Just stale old mom in her pastel cardigans!
    But its ok, because Mom and Mr. Clean get it on when nobody is home.
KillerTofu: Oh yeah, nothing says “indulge yourself” like a bottle of Mr.Clean spray. That’s another thing, mothers only receive advertising attention for cleaning supplies and things that benefit other family members like school supplies. There’s nothing else to indulge themselves in but a new highly erotic Swiffer wetjet.
aliasmitch: That and chocolate! (But that’s another conversation entirely) But even when it’s not Mr. Clean brand products or the Brawny Man even things like sponges are gendered as male. I have never seen a female cleaning product (How do they advertise to Lesbians I wonder?) and the commercials are always on Lifetime or during the day, when women are expected to be home
 aliasmitch: On another side note, Men cleaning in these commercials are instant fails.
    Which, as I’ve heard from men, generally illicits this anger over how men are shown as being dumber than women!
    Because the smug wife always shows him how to clean properly!
    But that’s her reward for being smarter? Cleaning up after the guy who JUST CANNOT figure out how to use Windex.
   What a prize!
KillerTofu:    This is true. I guess it all comes back to subtle media messages about people’s roles in domestic and public spheres.
aliasmitch: Yeah, because he may be unable to operate a paper towel and spray bottle, but somehow can function in a cubicle
    Which, by the way, is a stereotype I would be angry at!
    But what I guess I want people to really grasp is that who ultimately gets the shit end of the stick here? Who STILL has to do the cleaning?
killertofu: Who more and more frequently comes home from an 8 hour shift to work another 4 hour shift cleaning the house? Women of course. 
 
aliasmitch: The high cost of being in Mr. Clean’s Harem.
    Too bad all the swiffers are straight, I could really use a good dusting
killerTofu: It’s the only thing we really give ourselves though. aliasmitch, I’ve got something to ask you… it’s a little experimental of me, and you’re the first person I’ve asked.
    You HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO promise not to tell anyone or get mad.
    Will you….
    come clean with me?
aliasmitch: Oh, my…
    I have so much cleaning of my own to do…and…I just value our friendship too much to complicate it.
 killertofu:    It’s just been so lonely since the divorce. Should I talk to someone? I just feel like normal cleaning products aren’t doing it for me anymore. I found myself using harder supplies… like bleach.
aliasmitch: Hard call…girl, you know how I snort a gram of Tide every day.

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