“You Should Smile More”

Oh, not this again. “You should smile more.” That phrase haunted me when I worked as a server. I heard it more times than I can count. It did not matter if I was already doing my job well, handling multiple tables, or just concentrating. Somehow my facial expression always seemed to be the thing people wanted to comment on. Honestly, it was so annoying it hurt my ears every time someone said it.

The funny thing is, I was actually a friendly server to begin with. I talked with my tables, checked in on people, and tried to make sure everyone had what they needed. But apparently that still was not enough if my face was not smiling at every second.

Sometimes I wanted to say, “I am smiling… just not every second of my life.” And seriously, do you expect me to smile while I am carrying a burning hot plate of food across the restaurant? Or while I am scraping sticky, half-eaten plates off a table? Obviously not. And I would not expect anyone else to either.

Anyone who has worked in the food service industry knows it can be chaotic. You are trying to remember orders, keep track of multiple tables, deal with the kitchen, and move quickly so nobody is waiting too long. In those moments you are focused. Your brain is going a hundred miles an hour. But instead of recognizing that you are working hard, people still feel the need to remind you to “look happier.”

What always stood out to me was that the male servers did not get the same treatment. Some of them were less chatty than I was and walked around with pretty neutral expressions most of the time. But nobody ever stopped them to say, “You should smile more.” Nobody told them they would be prettier or more approachable if they looked happier. They were just doing their job, and that was enough.

For some reason, women in these positions are expected to be extra bubbly, extra friendly, and constantly smiling like it is part of the uniform. It almost feels like the job is not just serving food, but also performing emotional labor to make everyone around you feel comfortable. And that pressure was not just coming from customers, it came from my boss too. I remember him telling me one day to wear a certain outfit the next shift because I “looked really good,” while his eyes literally scanned me up and down.  Every time he said something like that, I would give him a very obviously fake smile. Moments like that made it clear that my appearance was always being evaluated, not just my work.

The truth is, in the service industry there is often this unspoken idea that looks equal tips. Whether people want to admit it or not, servers who are seen as more attractive or more bubbly are often expected to bring in better sales and better tips. So when someone tells you to “smile more,” it does not really feel like friendly advice. It feels like a reminder that part of your job is to look pleasant for other people, regardless of how well you are actually doing.

This is not just a restaurant issue. Women across all workplaces often face pressures to appear cheerful and approachable, or to make others feel comfortable, even when it is not part of their job description. These expectations are deeply gendered. Women who look serious are often described as “intense,” “stuck-up,” or “bitchy.” Meanwhile, a man with the same expression is just seen as focused or busy.

At the end of the day, being good at your job should matter more than looking cheerful every second. Sometimes people are just focused, tired, or thinking about the ten other things they have to do. And that is okay. A neutral face does not mean someone is rude or unfriendly. Sometimes it just means they are working.

Working in the service industry as a woman can be frustrating and exhausting, and these everyday experiences are not small or trivial.

Have you experienced similar expectations in your workplace, and how did that make you feel?