Why don’t we let men be gentlemen? When I was younger, my grandparents took on traditional roles in the relationship. My GF would take the garbage out, open my grandma’s door for her, paid for dinner, and walk on the street side of the sidewalk. My GF did many other gentlemanly things, but those are the ones that stuck out to me. My grandmother would cook, clean, care for the kids, and do what made her happy. I am not saying that women need to do these things, nor am I saying men have to do these traditional norms (well, I guess I am haha). I do agree that shared tasks in a relationship are important. It is optional for the women to make dinner every night or clean up after everyone by themselves. However, a man’s job is to be gentlemanly and make women feel cared for.
In the past 12 years, these shared tasks have become a very big thing in society and relationships, and while I agree with most of them, I’m afraid I have to disagree with some. I think it is the man’s responsibility to pay for dinner when you go out… I am not saying every time, but the majority of the time. I believe the men in a relationship are responsible for holding the door for women and children, and I hope most men would still open the car door for their significant other. While that last one has stopped happening as often, I love to see it when it does happen.
You may be wondering why these things are important to me. I am not saying women are incapable of doing these things on their own, but some women, in my opinion, have gotten very uptight and negative about men doing these things for them, and some of that has to do with the oppression women went through in the past. What I want to remind women is that we deserve to be taken care of and shown respect. When men do these things for us, it shows us that they love and respect us, not that they think we’re incapable of doing these things. I am not going to negate that in the past, it was probably taken as women being unable to do so, but now I do not think that is the case. Women feel like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders. Women are mothers, siblings, colleagues, friends, CEOs, spouses, and more. We feel like we always have to prove ourselves to others, but why? When someone does something for a man, like cook them dinner, they take it as a sign of endearment, but in the past 12 years, when men open the door for us or pay for dinner, or do anything that helps us in some way, we look at it as rude. I believe this thinking is wrong. Wrong is a harsh word, but to me, it is necessary to use.
We need to start looking at these things men do as loving, not condescending. If we keep allowing ourselves to be looked at as “victims,” we will continue to be treated as such. We level up when we allow people to treat us the way we deserve. Men never say no to someone doing something for them, so why should we? When a man opens a door for you, instead of taking it as a bad thing, take it as a respectful thing. They respect and appreciate me enough to go out of their way to do something for me when they move you from one side of the sidewalk to another; feel loved instead of insulted. They would rather have their life on the line than yours. Next time a man pays for your portion of dinner, please embrace it. Men want to feel like they’re worth something and prove they can care for you whether you need to be taken care of or not. I have learned over the years that guys want to feel loved and appreciated just as much as women want their SO to feel the same. They might show you they love and care for you in a traditional way, but we shouldn’t judge them for that. We might do outdated things too (cooking them a meal), but aren’t we just showing them that we can take care of them too? We still want them to compliment us, appreciate what we have done for them, and respect us for the time and effort we put into doing that for them… they deserve the same. It’s time we embrace these traditional and gentlemanly things.
We deserve to be respected and shown love, so please, instead of pushing these traditional masculine norms away, try to look at them in a new light. When a man does these simple things, I feel empowered because I am being put first.
ShoutOut! James Madison University 
Thank you for sharing your perspective! I think this is a very important conversation to have. The world is changing and growing constantly but I agree that some things should stay the same. Every couple and individual is different. People feel appreciated and loved in many different ways so it is important to communicate with your partner. As long as each individual feels loved and appreciated that is the most important part.
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I related to this post a lot because I had “traditional” parents and grandparents as well. I never saw anything wrong with it, but in this class I’ve learned that our “traditional” situation is not how things always are. In many cases the roles are reversed and shared between partners.
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I appreciate your insights into this topic and I agree that people should be allowed to do kind things for each other. But I want to maybe step beyond a little bit here and raise a few of my own offerings. I want to comment on the use of “victim” here as I am a bit confused on what exactly is being implied here and victim is such a strong word and it paints this narrative that people who may raise some issue with this are in some way victimizing themselves and this is a narrative that has been utilized to negate the experiences of women so I’m hesitant to agree with its use. Also on the point that men do not refuse when we do things for them, I can actually cite several experiences of men who have become aggressive when there have been attempts to delineate from this gendered narrative of kind acts. Furthermore when it comes to paying I believe that this is something that can vary from person to person, but I will say that some men weaponize these kind acts and hold it over the heads of their dates. Not all men do this, but sometimes it feels as if we paint this narrative of gentlemen or nice guys and hold in high regards simple acts when in reality there is so much more that constitutes real kindness and love. Personally, I don’t believe that just men should be holding doors, I also believe that this is only seen as masculine because we as a society have positioned it as such. Because it’s just opening a door, it’s a kind gesture and one that every person should strive for. My personal issue is not the fact that a masc individual wants to hold open a door, it’s that they feel threatened and emasculated when I’m walking in first and hold open a door for them and suddenly that’s an issue. I completely agree with your assertion that men want to be loved and appreciated in the same way that all people deserve to be loved and appreciated. However, I don’t personally believe holding a door open is a gentlemanly act, I believe it’s a nice one, but that to be a true gentleman or a kind person is to extend beyond this. It shouldn’t be my job to make it feel like my partner is comfortable within their masculinity, if they feel threatened by me being hesitant about him paying because of previous experiences I’ve had, where kind acts were held against me in an attempt to demand something from me, then that sounds like something he has to work through. Most men that I have gone on actual dates with have shared that they appreciated me offering to split the check and my current partner has said that he blushed when I paid on our first date and it made him feel special because none of his previous partners or dates have done that before. As @cottoncandyloverprincess writes, people feel loved and appreciated in a myriad of ways and as such communication is key. Because in the same way that some men want to take care of their partner so do I, so do other women, non-binary, gender nonconforming individuals, and that also shouldn’t be dismissed. Thank you so much for sharing your insight, this post really made me think and reflect on gender, love, relationships, and it was very thought-provoking so thank you!
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I think this topic can have so many different takes on it! Personally, doing acts of service is my love language, so many “gentlemen” tasks I really enjoy doing! The idea that men should pay for most dinners is super appealing to me because I do love a good free meal, but especially for college students it is hard to expect anyone under financial restraints to pay for almost every meal. I think that as long as there is a balance in what is being done or provided, and both partners are happy with it, then it can work out.
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