Do We Have to Put a Ring On It?

Let’s cut to the chase – there is still this antiquated idea floating around that every person on this planet is just waiting for that special someone…a “soulmate”, if you will. Maybe even the idea that people can’t possibly be complete by themselves, and they need to meet a person who they will eventually marry. When a woman is unmarried and in her 40’s, society looks at her as if she is broken – like maybe there was something about her that no one wanted.

Frankly, I think that our society (mis)places too much value on the institution of marriage. I don’t think you have to put a ring on it, so to speak, to make your relationship a loving and successful one…but that is definitely the social expectation. Check out this Jezebel article – unmarried couples are going so far as to FAKE their engagement because they don’t want to argue with family members about marriage or their relationship status.

This article kind of made me think about myself, and my future. I’m in a long-term relationship…and I don’t know if I’ll ever get married! That isn’t because I don’t love my partner, because I most certainly do, but marriage scares me, frankly. In the past, up until women started getting basic human rights (quite recently), marriage was used as a bargaining chip between dudes. There are STILL some places in the world that are like that…I don’t like the idea of being part of a system that was once (and still can be!) so degrading toward women.

Bargaining chip aspect aside, I don’t ever want to lose myself. I read a piece by Emma Goldman a few months ago called Marriage and Love…and while I will admit that she expresses some overly intense sentiments in this piece, she frankly scared the shit out of me. It is dated (1917), but in it she talks about the woman always losing herself within marriage, and conceding everything to her husband, right along with her last name. I know that I am a strong woman – I’m opinionated and I don’t let people push me around. But I’ve watched stronger women than me allow themselves to get sucked into a marital void and then, like Goldman said, they absolutely lost themselves. They worried so much about keeping house, caring for the kids, the husbands’ needs…and completely forgot that they were themselves, not just mothers and wives. I don’t want that for myself.

How does everyone else feel about this? I would like to hear your opinions about marriage. Do you think it is a failed institution, like Emma Goldman says?