Love Languages And My Battle With Valentine’s Day

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, the stress love in the air has been almost tangible. Couples and singles alike are making plans, and everyone is mentally, emotionally, and financially preparing for the big day. However, there are some of us who are less-than-stoked about this chocolate-coated celebration. Ladychaotica21 even wrote a post last week about her feelings toward this heart-shaped giant of a holiday. To those of us who cringe at the sight of the pink and red decorations that start springing up in the shop windows, this holiday all about love just turns into a big eye-roll and a sigh.

I have always been uncomfortable on Valentine’s Day. Since my feminist awakening, I’ve attributed that discomfort to the heteronormativity and sexism inherent in encouraging men to buy women chocolates and teddy bears with the implied motivation of sex. Why, my internal narrative asked, should I give a gift on a day when I’m told to? Wouldn’t it mean more if I did something nice on a day when it’s spontaneous? Though I stand by my assertion that this is a flawed holiday, and that showing affection shouldn’t be a once-a-year mandatory phenomenon, I’ve taken a step back and considered what could be nice about a holiday that encourages us to spread the love around.

One thing that has recently made me rethink my vendetta against V-Day was my recent introduction to love languages. During a discussion about the benefits and drawbacks of gift-giving, a professor of mine told me about a book she had read by Gary Chapman, in which he addresses the different ways that people show affection. As the title suggests, “The Five Love Languages” consolidates these into five major categories: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Gifts? I thought. How shallow. But after further discussion, I decided to check it out for myself. I picked up a copy of the book and started to leaf through it. And you know what? Some of it began to make some sense.

Even though I don’t place much value in affectionate gestures like gift giving, that doesn’t mean that the entire system of gift giving is inherently bad. This may be no big revelation, but to me it was monumental in understanding why the sensible, socially conscious people I knew would enjoy a holiday which incorporated something that I saw as empty or foolish. Part of giving your partner chocolates might just be showing that you took the time to think about something they would enjoy. Going on a romantic dinner date may be someone’s way of trying to spend time with a loved one in a setting that will allow them to give each other their undivided attention. Giving a card may be a way for someone to communicate feelings they have for someone else but couldn’t put into words. And though the focus of Valentine’s Day is on romantic love, there is no reason that these gestures can’t translate to affection for anyone in your life, whether they are your romantic partner, loving parent, or loyal friend.

So, maybe all this gift-giving and wining-and-dining business isn’t a bunch of nonsense. Behind all of the consumerism and the sticky-sweet and superficial sentiments lies a gentle reminder to tell someone that they are important to you in whatever way seems fitting. And as far as holiday messages go, I guess that is a pretty good one to stand by.