The Bitchin’ Table: Forget About the Treats, ‘Cause the Trick’s Right Here

Welcome to the Bitchin’ Table. A forum where two young gents of the feminine persuasion shoot the shit about the latest issues concerning women. Today’s topic: Halloween: To Slut, or Not To Slut? That is the Question.

BlondeRedhead: Hey, Lauranium, what are you gonna be for Halloween?

Lauranium: I’m not sure, but I guess the standard fallback costume for every girl is some sort of themed slut outfit, am I right?

BlondeRedhead: I mean, you get options though! Do you want to be a slutty nurse, a slutty nun, or a slutty cop? I’ve heard the hardcore girls just wear lingerie and animal ears.

Lauranium: Yeah, I mean I’ve already been all of those. I want to be a creative slut this year!

BlondeRedhead: You’re the most innovative slut I know. I heard a really great idea from a girl behind me in class today. Apparently she’s going to be a cherry pie, and her boyfriend’s going to be a pie-eating contestant. You can get Boyfriend involved in your creativity!

Lauranium: Totes. Couples costumes are super hot. There are so many options out there! Like this one:

 

 

 

BlondeRedhead: Woah! Classy AND original!

Lauranium: Yeah, what couple doesn’t love to let everyone and their grandma know they’re having sex?

BlondeRedhead: If only I had someone to be a plug and socket with! Looks like I’ll have to settle for slutty border patrol woman:

 

 

Because why just be trashy when you can be racist AND trashy?

Lauranium: Wow, that’s a tough one to top, Blonde Redhead. Whoa, wait a second! I think we have a winner? My, my, how deliciously trashy and sexist! A man with his head through a “boat”!

 

 

BlondeRedhead: I just had a thought. Call me crazy, but follow me on this: what if I don’t want to be a slut for Halloween? What if I want to be funny? Guys get to be funny. Where’s the funny section for girls?

Lauranium: WOMEN AREN’T FUNNY. They were never intended to be funny, it’s just not in their genes, Blonde Redhead. Get with the program.

Lauranium: But for realsies…

BlondeRedhead: But for realsies, why do we either have to be sluts or hags? There’s no other options- you’ll either dress like a slut, or be the one awkward girl at the party who looks like Winifred from “Hocus Pocus”. And I don’t really want to be either.

 

 

Lauranium: Honestly, I have never been more terrified, or aroused. Thank you Bette Midler. But yeah, I’m not a fan of putting the goods on display for all to see in order to get attention. I’d honestly be much more comfortable in a costume that makes people laugh. My theory is that girls who feel like they need to dress up like various forms of “sluts” aren’t just doing it for guys, they’re also competing with each other. Halloween is their chance to wear as little as possible, and if their costume isn’t as “hot” as their friend’s, they won’t be satisfied.

BlondeRedhead: Here, every weekend is a chance to wear as little as possible. God forbid I go out one weekend and don’t see a labia. The expectation of dressing like a slut is so inherent, how can two simple ladies like ourselves fight it?

Lauranium: ‘Tis a force to be reckoned with, young Redhead.

P.S. If our witty banter hasn’t convinced you of the WHORE-ifying (Haha get it? Whores and Halloween?) nature of this issue, please proceed to the following Youtube video.